The following are excerpts from a few of the letters sangha members have received from Ju San Si-Fu Frankie Parker since our first communication with him in 1993. It has consistently been the experience of all those who write that Frankie returns a letter within a week of our writing and, respectfully, will not write again until he receives a letter. While his letters are wonderful, it has been the experience of most (if not all) sangha members that a personal visit to Frankie is like an opportunity to look into a beautiful, clear pool, seeing one's own reflection clearly. The more one comes to know Frankie, the deeper this view becomes.

5/16/96:
(about the meditation practice we did on our previous visit)
I was very impressed with Anna and Jean and Sandi. They know all this by heart. I don't even know my own name by heart and have to look at my shirt to see who I am. : )

(About his death sentence):
It's easier on me than some because I've come to terms with my guilt long ago and admit it. Imagine the innocent man whose executed and what he must feel.

I do know this. My karma is good cause it's allowed me to meet great people like you and Anna, Jean and Sandi and all those others whom I am related to via the sangha. I've discovered I'm the first Buddhist to ever face this life and death situation in the U.S. Kobutsu says this has helped to bring the Buddhist Community together and for that my death pleases me. I have tried for years to let the True me influence that past me to help others, now I see it's working.

6/7/96:
Again I want to thank you for your prayers and prostrations in my behalf. At times I feel completely overwhelmed at how many people are out there fighting for my life. It's very humbling...

( About himself as a former killer)
...But you took me into your life and I thank you. You are my Dharma Sister in the Truest sense of the word. Thank you, friend. We do deep down feel a real affection for each other (ed. with reference to a quote from the Dalai Lama: "Deep down we must have real affection for each other, and a clear realization of our shared human condition.")

P.S. Please give these little [origami] love birds to your little girl and this little fly. I hope she likes them. By By.

6/17/96:
( about change, divorce)
Change my sweet friend is hard to accept. I went nuts during my last divorce and now look at me. I've known other people who also went nuts that were otherwise normal people. You're correct about children and their understanding of moral issues. It's so pure and is all black and white to them. It's Beautiful. I used to write to 30 or 35 black kids in the 3rd grade (via Sister Margaret). It was great to read some of their questions.

6/23/96:
(encouraging me not to be sad about his situation)
...Smiling's good for the heart. Smile, Sweetie. You know there is a saying the Hindus have that goes kind of like this. If you change your sadness to celebration, then you will also be capable of changing your death into resurrection. So learn the art while's there's still time [smiley face] I had the privilege of meeting my daughter in law for the first time Thursday and my son Will after 6 or 7 years. It was great. I tried not to cry tears when I hugged him but had to. I know I'm just a big sissy. It felt great to hug him and give him a kiss. He had 1000 questions and she had 1000 more and of course I had a million.

(the beginning of on ongoing dialogue about the common ground in Christianity and Buddhism)
I have no problem what -so-ever with what Jesus taught!...Both Christianity and Buddhism teach the same message. It's our ability to hear the message and put it to use which is the hard part. "Hate the sin but love the sinner."

(expressing gratitude about all his friends try to do)
To me, I don't have friends, I have a bunch of Boddhisatva's around me. When I think about all you and others are doing for me I think of the story of the Buddha when he was a Bodhisattva and gave his life to the starving tigress.

7/1/96
( about the death penalty)
Lucy, I know that you fear for me. I feel your suffering along with my own. You are truly a wonderful friend and I haven't the words to express my appreciation. You're right about me wanting you to smile no matter what. It's the smile on the faces of my loved ones I enjoy. Smile at everything, even death. When you smile at death, it loses its intimidation over us. So always smile.

7/9/96
A while back I called a friend in Kent, England. I'd been writing her for years. But it was the first time I'd ever talked to her. She says you don't sound like a hick and I said, well you don't sound like the Queen...

Yes, I know what a trip it is the first time you enter a prison. It was much harder on me. I came in with a mind filled with fear and knowing I would die here. It's like walking into your own tomb. I'd never been in prison before then. But now. Well, I have a whole different view of things. This is no longer a prison. It's my monastery. This world is how we see it.

(about the similarities between Buddhism and Christianity):
If we're all saying the same thing, why can't we accept the way the other guy says it? That's the problem I have...I have nothing but love and compassion for all, even those who hate me...My wish for this life is to hear only the wise cause the wise walk the path of virtue and inspire others to join them. Not by words but by actions...You can tell Rev. Huckabee that I love Jesus and have no problem at all with His teachings. And you'll be telling the truth. And that's all that matters.

7/14/96
(about his birthday Aug. 1)
Remember when we thought 30 was old! Well it was at the time. Till we made it there. I wasn't planning a 42nd birthday. But it'll be my biggest and maybe my last.

Last night I was up most of the night with stomach trouble so I wrote some letters. Then about 6 A.M. I went back to bed for a nap and the most wonderful thing in my entire existence happened. I dreamed of Lama Tharchin. He came to me in a dream. He told me to breathe and to continue to breathe until he returns. I wonder if he dreamed of me? Wow. It was a very moving experience for me...

I have nothing to give but myself. I can afford to open myself up and join the rest of the world with a sense of generosity, goodness. The more we give, the more we are inspired to give constantly...

I got the girls' origami. It was beautiful. I think when Hannah visits me I'll show her a few simple folds. Children find origami fascinating for some reason. I've made her a little [origami] purse...

I would like to have an opportunity to meet Mr. Huckabee. I'd like to ask him to spare my life and [tell him] that I'd never do anything to make him regret that decision...But if he doesn't think a person deserves a second chance no matter what then [he should ] go ahead and kill me.

7/18/96
(about his past actions in the time span before he committed the crime)
I'm very ashamed of my actions in that part of my life. But it's me, and I took a vow to be truthful, to honor Truth above all. Even the parts that hurt...

The news is on about the plane exploding today. Sad, isn't it? One second those people were all happy and excited about their trip to Europe. Then the next breath/second dead. Death is so cruel, isn't it? Just a breath away. Death is what we each carry in ourself and try to suppress as long possible. Everyone wants to live, especially me...I'm just thankful to have you all in my life, and if it's to end Sept. 17th, then I got to have you close to me in this life and in the next one we'll be even closer.

(on origami)
Things like that bring me Joy. Yep, doesn't take much. Simple mind, simple Joys.

(on forgiving and pain, specifically talking about his brother Richard killing himself after Richard had an affair with Frankie's second ex-wife)
I never got the chance to forgive him and I've often thought was it my fault. When it looked like I was going to be executed in May, I called my x and let her talk to me. All we can do is help others--in anyway we can, even if it's just letting then cleanse their guilt...

(on his possible execution)
But my karma is I remain whole and both hands tightly held on to sanity. I face death as best I can. It helps a great deal to have you and Jean and Anna and Kobutsu in my company.

Letter to Judith Elane - 5/30/96
You denied me the gift of your friendship because you didn't want to make friends with someone who would be dying

. . . I know exactly how you feel! I remember coming to terms with this very issue. I had a good friend here and they killed him and I said to myself why put your ignorant ass through this? Why make friends with these guys here when you know they'll die? Then I did what Buddha said, I meditated on death! I read about death

. . . Judith, the best of all meditations are those on death. Everyone you know and love and even hate will die! That's a fact! Unless I'm God (I'm not) I too will die. I'm the lucky one. I kind of know when I'll die and have the rare opportunity to plan for it. You! When will you die? Why should I make friends with someone who could die tomorrow? Simple. I'm already your friend and plan to stay that way no matter what. Dead or alive, you're my friend. You're my Dharma sister. It is by no accident I cause you these deep and profound thoughts on death.

. . . Sure I'm going to die, but not last night. I was due to die at 10 p.m. last night. At 10, I lay down and went through the entire process of being executed. This whole thing is for me to learn from and you to learn from. Sickness and death are suffering, but there's a way to stop that suffering - understand death and what a big lie it is. I'm not me! I'm in me, but I'm not me. I simply use this ugly body to travel through this life to the next and on and on until I no longer have to be born.

Letter to Judith Elane - 7/10/96
What I liked about the New York Times article is how I looked. No, I'm not speaking on an ego level. But how the Dharma has changed me. There I was on my knees, head bowed, my spirit and my name totally changed. Transformed! No one can see in that photo what I see. I know that I'm not the same man bowed there that walked in this prison. Hell, I'm unable to even fathom anything that would cause me to do what I did. It was bad. But, although effects result from causes, we still have the power to influence the ultimate outcome, because running through the chain of causation is our free will. A bad effect may be turned into a good end depending on our attitude - like me, sentenced to prison. This is the effect of a previous action, but how I chose to deal with the situation was up to me. I made this cell my spiritual training center. By practicing meditation and reading good books, I killed the old me, the me with a heart hard as rock. And gradually, I underwent a change in personality. I became a loving and compassionate person. This kind of sounds like the life of the Tibetan master, Milrepa. In his youth, he was involved in black magic which led to the deaths of many people. Eventually he decided to change his life, and now we try to model our lives after him.

Letter to Judith Elane - 7/ 17/96
I'm ashamed and very remorseful for what I did, and it actually hurts to read it in black and white. Its a deep wound in my psyche that I sometimes throw salt in just so I won't forget what ego, drugs, and hate lead to. What do I do to change what I did? How can I alleviate the hurt of everyone involved. These questions I asked myself long ago. The only thing that really can help is to change myself, because when you've changed yourself you have done your part in changing the world. Every individual must change his own life if he wants to live in a peaceful world. The world cannot become peaceful unless and until you yourself begin to work toward peace. It is only by removing hate from our hearts that we can live a Buddha-like life.

To take the path I chose in the place I am in I knew wouldn't be an easy one. But I chose it anyway and the rewards were well worth the fight. The rewards are peace and love and respect for others and compassion for all those who show none. I have to love those who hate me. I care for those who care not. Who was it that asked the question? "How do I love those that love me not?" It's not easy but I try.

Letter to Jean Crume - 8/17/94
What Buddhist tradition do I follow? I started off with Zen but eventually switched to Tibetan (mahayana). I've only had books to work from. I've never had one conversation with another human being about Buddhism. I just read books and tried to apply what they said to my practice. It has changed my life profoundly. I'm now a better person and am more at peace with myself. I've forgiven myself for the stupid senseless acts that got me here, which were generated by ego. I've tried to read all I could on Buddhism. I have limited resources so I saved my money and bought books and some were given to me and I've more or less pieced a practice together. I have a small shrine in my cell with a Buddha (a laughing Buddha) but I'm trying to find one of Shakyamuni. They allow me to have candles and incense, which is very, very rare. But they know me and that I'm sincere in my beliefs. I have been working out of a book called Tranquillity and Insight which is on Samatha and Vipassana meditation. (I try very hard). I have to practice real early in the morning - like 3 or 4 AM while its real quiet and I do Tai-Chi on the yard. I'm not sure if I'm even practicing correctly. But I keep on. Its only me so far so whose to say I'm meditating wrong.

Letter to Jean Crume - 10/4/94
(about a difficult and frightening situation at the prison)
I really feel terrible about this whole situation. If only one of those guards would have taken this guy off the row this wouldn't of happened. But you know when I think my life is really the pits, I think of the Tibetan Buddhist in Tibet. How they're tortured. I'll enclose an article that has a photo that tears my heart out. Even if this is the worse prison in the U.S. we still have it pretty good compared to those poor monks and nuns.

Letter to Jean Crume - 5/7/96
(the day after the clemency hearing for the May 29 execution date - I had spoken on Frankie's behalf and the vote was five out of five in favor of the execution)

It was never my intention to have a clemency hearing. Those people have one thought on their minds - killing. It actually seared me sitting there and looking at those people who have more or less ordered the deaths of 12 people, 11 of which have gone before me. The hate they hold within their hearts I could feel. Also the lady in black on the wall behind them was my ex-wife. She sat there and stared at me. I gave her a lot of thought too - made me very uncomfortable to sit there. I understand their hate and wish they could soften their hearts maybe my death will give them some peace and closure. Then my execution will be worthwhile.

I'm sorry you had to waste your precious time there and if you feel let down, please don't. The outcome of these hearings are always the same.

Also he wrote in the same letter: When I got back to my cell my friends on both sides of me were crying. I felt like dogshit because I caused them to tear their eyes. I know that most here in this prison hate to see me killed. There were guards who wanted to testify for me but I told [them] not to cause they would put their jobs in jeopardy. Just knowing they would was enough for me.

And: You and your family have been approved to visit me. I hope to meet you for real soon. Sorry they wouldn't allow us to meet yesterday. Come visit any time. And again, Thank You very much.

Letter to Jean Crume - 5/16/96
(regarding a personal and emotional letter Jean had written to Frankie after their first visit)
I'm glad you explained your letter to me cause I felt I had caused you some emotional pain - Something via the clemency hearing, something I felt bad about. I have for years tried to live my life without causing anyone any stress. It hurts me to tell my mom bad new because I know she cries. It hurts me that my exwife hates me so because I know that hate hurts her. I wish I could remove all pain from all sentient beings and especially those I've hurt.