Dear Motorhead,
I am very worried about your mother. She says she's not eating, which isn't healthy. Please have one of those reprehensible counselors shoot over to KFC and get her something. They're running a special on spicy wings till Thursday.
I am on the Internet until the batteries on my lap-top expire. I have transferred some funds from my savings account so that a money order can be sent to you at the address you gave me. Who is GODSON EZEH CHUKWUEMA? Are you sure we can trust him? I don't want anybody else getting the money but you, Motorhead. I need to know who this Chukwuema character is. I must know that he can be trusted. I must know that he is not a head-launcher or anything like that.
Motorhead, do you like to play golf? I cannot wait until you and your dear mother are safe in the U.S. And we can slam a bucket of Percs and do nine holes.
I will email you when Deputy Dawg arrives with the boat.
Hasta La Pesto, Dad
Subject: DAD AM WAITING FOR YOU NOW.
Hi Dad,
How are you today ?.I hope that things are getting better.
So you are still trapped in your cabin uptill now.Oh then it must be getting very dangerous for you there.Are you alone there or you are with some people to talk to.How are you doing.You must be feeling awfully bad.By now you must also be runing out of supplies. Dad i hope you are making some serrious arrangements with somebody who will get you out of there.
My mom is feeling very disturbed and restless because of your situation.You know that you are the only hope we have now and if any thing harpens to you now it means all our hope is lost.So please do your very best to get some one to come and get you out of there.The counselors at the political assylum camp have no respect or regard for any body.You know that kind of military mentality.More over when you are a foriegner.They treat you as if you were better off dead.There are also many cases of people who died in those camps because of the inhuman treatment given to them.
This is why you must hurry up and help us so that we can move our funds out of Abidjan and finally get my mom out of that hell of a camp.Dad infact with your situation now we are even more disturbed and worried than you.
I tried to learn how to play gulf but i was not very good.I still like the game especialy when i watch people like Tiger Woods play.I still want to play the game and i know that as soon as i come over to the states, i must get into the game again.
There is nothing to worry about Mr.Chukwuemeka becase he is a very trust worthy person.If he was not totaly reliable and trusth worthy i don't think i would have used him as my travelling agent.
Please Dad i prefer you send the money through WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER because it is the easiest and fastest way to receive money here in Dubai.You know that these Arab Muslims here are not that much civilized when it comes to American standard.WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER is the most reliable means to recieve money here.All you need to do as soon as you send the money is to call me on 00971-503-480-965 and give me the controlle number and the text question and answer so that i can go and meet with Chukwuemeka so that we can go to the bank to collect the money.You can also send me email to give me the controlle number and the text question and answer.
Please i do not even have money to keep coming to the internet so please Dad send the money as soon as you can.
By the way who is going to make the trip on the boat to get you out of the water.Why are they taking so long. I am desperately waiting for your urgent call or mail.
With much respect and regard for you Dad.
Motorhead.
Subject: BIG BOB IS THREATENING ME!
Dear Motorhead,
I have just received a VERY disturbing email from Big Bob. After all I've done for him I am in shock that he would treat me this way. I won't send this email to your dear, dear mother because of the filthy language that Big Bob is using. I just don't understand it and I don't know what to do. Motorhead, what if he's telling the truth and Deputy Dawg DOES work for him. I didn't even know they knew each other! Here is the email that Big Bob wrote to me:
***
YOU SON-OF-A-BITCH! I hope to hell you DIE in that flooded out shithole, Keller.
You've lost EVERYTHING, Keller. I've seized control of the cheese straightener factory, and now you're as poor as an African. You don't deserve that secretary of yours, so I'm putting the dick to her. By tomorrow I'll be a damn CHEESE STRAIGHTENER BARON, and you're going straight to SPORZL PRISON.
If you think Deputy Dawg is going to save you, you're in for a surprise, because he works for ME now, and he's going to put you in prison with IVAN THE CANNIBAL, and you'll be lucky if he doesn't fuck you raw before he kills you and eats you.
You'd better get gone quick, scumbag. Maybe you should get a plane to Africa to be with your new Shaka Zulu family, because Sporzl County has just become way too small for the two of us. You can try and dodge Deputy Dawg, Keller, but if you do, you better be packin' heat, because I promise you I'll KILL YOU DEAD if I ever see your soggy perc'd out ass again.
YOU'RE DEAD, KELLER. YOU SHOULD NEVER HAVE FUCKED WITH BIG BOB.
Sincerely, Big Bob
***
Can you BELIEVE THIS development??? Motorhead, Big Bob is obviously unstable and mentally ill. I fear that he is back sniffing shoe sole glue again. He was in quite a state when I first rescued him from the Klavern where he worked as an errand boy. He would go to the hardware store and buy a truckload of railroad ties for the crosses. Oh, Motorhead, Big Bob sounds like he is CRAZY! If Deputy Dawg doesn't arrive today I'll know something is wrong and he is working for Big Bob. If that happens, then I'll have no choice but to swim for it. I MUST RE-CAPTURE MY COMPANY! I refuse to let ACME Industrial Cheese Straighteners, Inc. fall into the hands of a lunatic like Big Bob! I owe it to the memory of Darrell. Please give me some inspiration, Motorhead. What should I do?
I have transferred the money successfully from my savings account and will be able to send you $1,000 as soon as I make it to Sporzl. Can you hold out for another day? Will the Taco Bell give you credit? Is Beth eating anything yet? Did the counsellors go to KFC like I suggested?
Worriedly, Dad
Subject: Re: DAMN THAT BIG BOB!!!!!
Dearest Beth,
I just want to make certain that you are eating something and not wasting away. Motorhead and I are discussing a little problem that has popped up. Nothing for you to worry about. I will take care of it. EAT EAT EAT!!! I am wiring Motorhead some money. Hopefully he'll not get tossed out onto the street beforehand. Oh, before I forget, how heavy is the trunk? Can two people carry it? And what is UAE?
Take care, my dear Beth.
Robert
Subject: HOW ARE YOU MY DEAR.
My Dearest Robert,
How is the situation with you ? Did you get some one to help you out of there ? Please you should know that i am placing all my hope on you.Just make sure that some one rescures you out of there.
You must try to reach some one who must send rescue to you.I have told you several times that you should give motorhead the phone number of any of your friends so that he can call them and inform them of your predicament.You must understand that we all need help some times.So you must not hesitate to ask for help. How do you think i would have known you if i did not search for some one to help me.You have no choise you must give motorhead the phone number of any body even the police or your close friends or 911 so that he can tell them about your predicament.
I have just started eating food but just little since i do not have enough appetite because of my worries about you.Please what is the latest arrangement to get you out of there.You must be making some serrious arrangements to make sure that some one can come and pull you out of there.
The trunk box is about 65kg and two people can carry it.It is a solid metal box and it has two lucks.The lucks are built in the body of the box.
Please motorhead is in a bad situation now and he badly needs some funds.Please Robert try to send him some money as soon as possible.He told me that those mulim arabs are not friendly to christian.Which means that nobody can help him the and you know what that means.Please send him some money as soon as you can.
U.A.E. is abreviation for United Arab Emirates which is a small country in the Gulf.Motorhead told me that U.A.E. hosted the just ended WORLD BANK / I.M.F. SUMMIT.The political capital city is Abu-Dhabi and the economic capital is Dubai. U.A.E. is located betwen Saudi Arabia and republic of Oman.
Please Robert,things are getting more difficult for me here in the camp so please do your best to get out of that situation and let us move my funds out of Abidjan so that i can come over to the states to invest with you.
I am waiting to hear good news from you.
Sincerely yours,
Beth.
Subject: Re: BIG BOB IS THREATENING ME!
Hi Dad,
How are you today ? I am very sorry that i could not reply your last mail early enough but please try to understand that i do not have money to pay for the use of the internet here.
About Big Bob, Please i just have one question for you.Is Big Bob and Deputy Dawg the only people in this world who can bring you out of that water.Are there no other persons whom you know who can arrange a rescue for you ? Why are you depending on those two people only.Please do not swim.Please try to contact another people who can rescue you. Or you can also give me the phone number of any person you know and i will contact them and tell them about your problems.
I am flat zero on the ground now.I am confused i do not know what to do now. I can not even stay longer on the net now because of lack of money. Please Dad do something for me.You know that we have enough money.And if me and mom make it to the States, together with you we are going to start a big investment there in the same city where you have the Cheeze company.
Dad please now is the time for you to help me.My situation is getting very embarassing so please do something for me. I am waiting for your urgent reply and i am waiting to go and pick up the money which you will send through WESTERN UNION.
Bye for now Dad and take care. Motorhead.
Subject: Re: HOW ARE YOU MY DEAR.
Dear, dear Beth,
I'm sorry I have been unable to email you until this moment. I have had electrical problems due to this ungodly storm and have just now figured out how to charge my lap-top batteries. They were deader than a dead skunk in the middle of the road most of yesterday. I have also received an email from Motorhead and am very disturbed that he is in such dire financial straits. I have instructed my secretary, Cherry, to send him $1,000 by FedEx so that the money order is delivered straight to his hands, well actually straight into the hands of GODSON EZEH CHUKWUEMA. Are you sure we can trust Chukwuema? I don't know, Beth, my intuition tells me not to trust Chukwuema. I don't like his name at all. He sounds like a Cajun or something and I don't like Cajuns. Big Bob is a Cajun. Motorhead says he is surrounded by irate Moslems (are there any other kind?) and fears for his safety. Oh, Beth .... I am so worried about Motorhead. I am also sending him a copy of "Attack of the 90-Foot Homos" my favorite inspirational book. I hope he can read it in time to forestall the cascade of anti-slack he is currently undergoing. Let's both pray for Motorhead.
I am getting damn tired of being stuck in this cabin, Beth. Your letters and those from Motorhead (and my Percs and Tiny Tim) are the only thing standing between me and utter boredom! I don't think I've EVER seen so much rain. Even the WATER is wet here now.
I cannot believe Motorhead is stuck in some place like U.A.E. That is an INSANE place to be on this planet. I'd rather he were in Detroit or Bolivia or Moosejaw, Canada. ANYWHERE but that god-forsaken desert filled with errant camel jockeys and ragheads. I hope those Arabs aren't tempting Motorhead away from his Christian legacy. I hope they aren't tempting him to smoke opium or anything like that. He should always stick with pharmaceuticals ... They are pure and sweet as the opening scene in Barbarella. Is Motorhead near an oasis? I hope he can get liquid without trudging 90 km through the desert with only dates and coconuts and mangoes to eat.
Speaking of eating, I want to make sure you are eating, Beth. Please tell me that you are. Please tell me exactly WHAT you are eating so I will rest easy. I want to know what you've had for breakfast, lunch, dinner, supper, mid-night snack, between meal snack, brunch and everything. I found a can of Vienna Sausage that must have been left here after my last fishing trip. I mixed it with some Spam and some Percs and tequila and made sort of a stew. It was filling, relaxing and mind-bending all at the same time. We'll have to make this when you and Motorhead are safe in the U.S.
It is beginning to rain even harder than before here and the water is rising outside my door at this moment. I am afraid of calling the local police because of some business that I have discussed with Motorhead. This is nothing for you to worry about. I will take care of it. If you speak with Motorhead before I do, please inform him that Cherry is working on sending him some funds so he can stay at the Motel 6 for a few more days. I hope he's enjoying Green Acres and Mr. Ed!!!!
Well, Beth, my battery light is flickering again so I must recharge my batteries by firing up the kerosene generator again. I practically pulled my back out of alignment by yanking on that recalcitrant cord yesterday and I also think I tore a muscle. Good thing I have plenty of Percs left. Oh, I also found a stash of ludes that must have been left here in the 80s. I hope they're still good. Time for some Tiny Tim!
By the way, Beth. What the hell is Motorhead doing in U.A.E.? How did he get there? And how did you get in that camp? Even if I must travel to your camp myself and thrash those bastard councilors to within an inch of their lives, I will free you from their evil clutches! I will make them all rue the day they forced you to do whatever it is they are forcing you to do. God, I hope your virtue is in no danger!!!! That would cause me to fly straight to Africa and fight lions and tigers and rhinos and electric eels and wombats in order to save you!
Please have Motorhead send me a picture of you in happier times, Beth so that I may be more inspired.
Ciao, Robert
Subject: CHIN UP, MOTORHEAD!!!
Dear Motorhead,
I don't want you to worry about me. Although Big Bob and Deputy Dawg are conspiring against me, I will prevail! I have God on my side!! PLEASE don't tell dear, dear Beth about any of this, but I think that Big Bob and Deputy Dawg are planning on trying to kill me! But don't be alarmed, I have a few surprises in store for them if they try! That's why I can't call the local police because all calls are routed through Deputy Dawg's rural network. It's just like on Green Acres or Petticoat Junction! But I have an ace up my sleeve. Two undercover police officers named Q.D. McGraw and B.B. Louie have been quietly investigating the evil duo's plans. They've even infiltrated their Sanctum Sanctorum and have tapped their phones. Q.D. And B.B. Are the most able law enforcement agents in these here parts and they will EL KABONG Big Bob and Deputy Dawg before those evil-doers know what hit 'em.
I have instructed my secretary, Cherry, to send you $1,000 by Fed Ex to GODSON EZEH CHUKWUEMA, although I still don't know if I trust anybody by that name. He's not a Ragin' Cajun is he?
Chin up, Motorhead. I am also sending you that book in the same shipment. It should arrive any day!
- Dad
Subject: Re: CHIN UP, MOTORHEAD!!!
Hi Dad,
How are you doing ? Please i do not have enough time to write you.I just begged a stranger to spare me five minutes of his internet time some am going to make this very fast.Here in Dubai U.A.E., Fed/ex does not deliver cash and they do not have a bank here.So please do not use FED/EX.If you really want me to get the money, just tell your secretary Cherry to send the money through WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER.
I trust Mr.Godson Ezeh Chukwuemeka because he has been assisting me here and he is a christian not an Arab.He will be very happy for me to receive the money.You will have to send me the contronle number and the text question and answer.
The name and adress to use again is
GODSON EZEH CHUKWUEMEKA, 130 SABKA ROAD, DEIRA - DUBAI U . A . E .
As soon as she sends the money she can also call me on 00971-503-480-965 and give me the controlle number and the text question and answer so that i can go and meet Godson to go with him to the bank to collect the money.Thank you in advance.
So tell me how are you working out your problem.Why can you not also tell Cherry to organise a rescue for you. Are you having fun in that situation.If not then at least tell Cherry to send help to you. Thank you again and i hope to hear from you and Cherry very soon.
Sincerely, Motorhead.
Subject: Re: CHIN UP, MOTORHEAD!!!
Dear Motorhead,
I hope this email finds you safe, Motorhead. I think that you must IMMEDIATELY flee the U.A.E. I did a google search for Chukwuemeka, just to check things out and LOOK WHAT I'VE FOUND!!!!!
LAGOS - October 1, 2003 - President Olusegun Obasanjo announced today reforms that will stem the tide of heroin smuggling and child slavery that plague Nigeria's largest city. Interpol spokesperson, Bradley Photon, pointed to the arrest yesterday of Ezeh Chukwuemeka as evidence that Obasanjo is making inroads into the curtailment of Nigeria's so-called 'twin evils.' Chukwuemeka, the leader of Nigeria's largest organized child slavery and heroin importation ring was arrested at his palatial estate in Lagos. Over 1,250 kilos of heroin were seized and 834 children were rescued, many of whom were severely malnourished and shackled to water pipes in the house's basement. Chukwuemeka faces the death penalty.
Motorhead, I think you might be in SERIOUS DANGER! You must get away from this Chukwuemeka IMMEDIATELY! I don't want you captured by a heroin smuggler! This is so shocking to me! I cannot believe it! Hitch-hike over to the next country where you can hide in the jungle or something. Bring a sack lunch. I'm sure there are abandoned huts with palm roofs you can hide in. After all, I've been stuck in the damn cabin for over a week now. I'm sure you can make it, Motorhead. RUN!
Let me know what you've escaped that bastard Chukwuemeka! And to think he was going to rip us BOTH off. I've had Cherry cancel the Fed Ex shipment until I hear that you've escaped from U.A.E.
Worriedly, Dad
Motorhead,
I have GOOD NEWS! I thought and thought about your plight and figured I'd take a chance on your friend and send him the money for you. I hope we can trust him. Cherry has sent $1,000 by Western Union. But just to make certain your friend doesn't attempt to rip you off, I'm going to give you the routing number in code. I have a lot of experience in codes and this one is fool proof. It's called the Double Blind Double-Naught Spy Code! It works very simply. There will be two sets of number codes and two phrases. Each phrase has its own number codes. The first phrase and number codes are:
"Plaid Recliner"
0 = ###
1 = Trauma Unit
2 = 394865
3 = "Plumper BJ mpeg"
4 = dookie
5 = Samba
6 = Mambo
7 = 0
8 = fortune cookie
9 = Tumbler
The second phrase and number codes are:
"Carp Sandwich"
0 = Checkers
1 = "I'm Out The Window"
2 = **NUNU**
3 = (((073)))
4 = 5
5 = 4
6 = SPAM
7 = Scam
8 = All Along The Watchtower
9 = Wombat
In order to figure out the number, I'll send you a phrase in a different email. Each number code will be half one and half the other. If I say "Plaid Carp Recliner Sandwich," then you take the first five numerals of the first code and the second five of the second code. If I say "Carp Plaid Sandwich Recliner" then you take the second five numerals of the first code and the first five numerals of the second code. Then you invert the middle two numbers, multiply both by 9, divide by 2 and leave each one out.
So, for instance if I say, "Plaid Carp Recliner Sandwich" and the Western Union routing number is: 479334882-983444678, the code for it will be: dookie 0 Tumbler "Plumper BJ mpeg" "Plumper BJ mpeg" dookie "I'm Out The Window" 5 All Along The Watchtower All Along The Watchtower (((073))) Scam Scam 394865 fortune cookie **NUNU** fortune cookie Checkers 0 Samba **NUNU** Scam Scam 0 5 Trauma Unit Wombat fortune cookie fortune cookie ### Mambo (((073))) "I'm Out The Window" 394865.
Then, in a THIRD email, I will send you the question and answer for the Western Union people. Motorhead, I think using this code will be the absolute safest way to know that you are the only person who receives the money. I want you in a Motel 6 by tonight. Please let me know that the money has arrived! And please tell dear Beth that you are safe and sleeping on a comfortable mattress this evening with a full belly.
Sincerely, Dad
Dear Motorhead,
Did you get the notice of the money arriving at Western Union? I haven't heard from you or Beth in two days. OH MY GOD, I hope nothing has happened!!!
- Dad
Subject: Re: HOW ARE YOU MY DEAR.
Dearest Beth,
I haven't heard from Motorhead in TWO DAYS! He said he was unable to afford internet any more, which is why I had Cherry send him $1,000. Do you know if he checked whether or not Western Union has received it yet? I need to send him the question and answer and routing number. Should I send it to you instead? Please let me know what is happening.
- Robert
Subject: I AM HAVING RUNNING TOMMY.
Dear Dad,
For two days now i have been very sick.I had nothing to eat so i tried a very cheap local arab food and infact i am still suffering from stomach trouble.The worst thing now is that i do not have money to buy medicine.I just begged somebody to allow me five minutes of his internet time.
Please i feel very weak and tired.Please if Cherry has sent the money please just give me the code number and the text question and answer together with the controlle number so that i can go and meet chukwuemeka and we can go and collect the money from the bank.
I urgently need medicine now and if you really care about me please dad just send me the information by email or you can call me on 00971-503-480-965. I hope by now you are out of the water.Please send me the information strait to me without coding. I have no time remaining.
Bye Dad, Motorhead.
Dear Motorhead,
THIS IS TERRIBLE NEWS! I'm so sorry your tommy is running! Don't eat Arab food any more. Eat at Taco Bell or KFC. That's what Beth is doing and she seemed to be feeling much better last time I checked. But, Motorhead, I think that your lack of food is causing a small amount of delerium! I feel as if you are not up tight, outtasite and in the groove as far as the money sent by Cherry goes. I don't want any evil Arabs to snag the funds and spend it on buggering little boys or watermelons or anything of the sort. Therefore you MUST steel yourself and go with my previous plan. I will give you the code number in CODE so that nobody can break it. Then I will send the question in a separate email. You will see the wisdom of this, Motorhead, when you are comfortably ensconsed in a Motel 6, laughing at the hilarious exploits of Arnold Ziffle on Green Acres and chowing down on a Burrito Supreme with extra hot sauce.
Oh, and thanks for asking about my situation. I'm STILL stuck in the damn cabin. I know for a fact that Big Bob and Deputy Dawg have been conspiring to thwart my rescue by Q.D. McGraw and B.B. Louie. I also suspect that Cherry is not all that she seems. That reminds me of The Mule in Asimov's "Foundation Trilogy." You know where they find out that the skinny dude IS The Mule? That totally surprised me. How 'bout you?
Anywy, here's the code for the code number:
Tumbler dookie 0 Tumbler "Plumper BJ mpeg" "Plumper BJ mpeg" dookie "I'm Out The Window" 5 All Along The Watchtower All Along The Watchtower (((073))) Scam Scam 394865 fortune cookie **NUNU** Checkers 0 Samba **NUNU** Scam Scam 0 5 Trauma Unit Wombat fortune cookie fortune cookie ### Mambo (((073))) "I'm Out The Window" 394865 fortune cookie "Plumper BJ mpeg" (((073))).
I will send you the question and answer as soon as you let me know you got this email and you figure out the code. I have an important, high-paying position awaiting you at ACME Industrial Cheese Straighteners, Inc., Motorhead. Figuring out the code will confirm that I've made the right choice in considering you for Junior Regional NHGH Executive Co-Vice President Coordinator in Charge of Executive Swamp Measurements. How impressed will Beth be with THAT, eh!
Love, Dad
Subject: YOU HAVE TO BE STRAIGHT WITH ME OTHERWISE .
Dad,
We have our own money in that box so i do not need any examination or test and i do not need any position in your cheeze business.With our money i can take any job position on our money as i like.So if you want to give me the money ok and fine.You just give me the controle number and the text question and answer if you do not want to give me the money then you are free to keep your money.
If you ever want to reply this mail make sure it includes the NAME OF SENDER OF MONEY, CONTROLE NUMBER, TEXT QUESTION AND ANSWER.If your reply does not include these information then it will be the last mail from you i will read.
Bye, MOTORHEAD.
Subject: ABOUT MOTORHEAD'S MONEY SHIPMENT
Dear, dear Beth,
I have just received a VERY disturbing email from Motorhead. He was very short with me and seemed quite angry. I think this is primarily due to his tommy ailment. I know these maladies are endemic to Arab countries and I sympathize with him. BUT, I have sent him $1,000. I have done my best to cheer him up. I have emailed him and you many, many times. I feel like both of you are part of my own family. I'm saddened that he would treat me this way. I gave him a simple code for the routing number as a safety measure so that no rag-head, terrorist, camel-buggering A-Rabs would steal his money. And then he treats me like this!!! It reminds me of the time I cut off Darrell's allowance when I caught him sniffing shoe sole glue. Big Bob had led him astray and I felt that punative measures were called for. Darrell was very angry with me and he super-glued all my Tiny Tim albums to the wall of my trophy room and broke the plaque I had received from the governor for my benevolent work in cheese straightening amongst the poor and indigent. It took me over 10 years to replace all those albums and I still haven't found a mint copy of "Tiny Tim - The Nebraska Years." I look for it on eBay every day.
Beth, since I am afraid of those U.A.E. Arab bastards, how about if I send YOU the number, sender's name and question and answer and you can give it to Motorhead yourself. Would that work? I would feel much safer doing it that way. Also, PLEASE tell me who this Chukwuemeka person is. Motorhead never mentioned whether or not the news story I sent him was referring to Chukwuemeka's family or not. He never even mentioned it. I just want to make sure Motorhead is not being held hostage or something and that the reprehensible Arabs are not forcing him to hand over the money that Cherry has sent. Beth, Motorhead can go to the Western Union office himself and ask whether or not the money is waiting for him. If he does, he will find out that it is indeed there. I don't even care if Motorhead pays me back! After all, I'll have plenty of money when we get the trunk, right? I just want him safe, well fed, well rested and all caught up on the latest episode of Mr. Ed so we can have a good laugh together when your tragic ordeals are finally at an end.
Also, Motorhead said he isn't interested in working for ACME Industrial Cheese Straighteners, Inc. and this makes me very sad as well. I had envisioned us working together like father and son, straightening cheese from coast to coast, tossing ideas and martinis together, chugging Percs and Ludes all night long. And you, Beth, could be home whupping up a traditional African meal for us when we get home after a hard day's work. This is my dream, Beth! This is my one hope for happiness in the future. Please explain this to Motorhead and let me know if it's OK to send the Western Union information to you. Please try to talk him into working for my company. This is very important to me. I'm going to get rid of Big Bob when I finally get back to the office and I will need intelligent, motivated people to help me become the predominant cheese straightener in the tri-state area. Motorhead could even have his own office, right next to mine!!!
How are those damned camp councellors treating you? Are you getting enough to eat? You tell them that you have a powerful American industrialist on your side and that if they mistreat one cell in your precious foot gland that I will give them a thrashing the likes of which have not been seen since Bouncing Boy took on Matter-Eater Lad in Legion of Super Heroes Reunion Annual number 4!
With love and concern, Robert
Subject: I AM BEING STRAIGHT WITH YOU!
Dear Motorhead,
I don't understand your last letter at all. It was very disturbing. You said yourself that the Arabs and Muslims CANNOT be trusted. Look what those bastards did to the World Trade Center! I am trying to PROTECT YOU! I see you and Beth as part of my family now and I only want to GUARANTEE that you get the $1,000 that Cherry sent. I have traveled to many, many third world countries and I know just how corrupt and dishonest these people can be. There are many people who just want to steal money from others and that's what I am afraid will happen to you by using email, which as you know IS NOT SECURE!
I have written Beth and told her that I would email HER the name of the money sender, the number and question and answer. I have not heard back from her yet. I can send her the information and she can give it to you. That way those damn Arabs won't have a chance of stealing your money. Please, if you call the Western Union office, they will tell you that the money is waiting and that Cherry has sent it. How can you hurt my feelings like this when all I am trying to do is help you and your dear Mom?
I have been praying all day and the rain has stopped, the sun is shining and I will be able to walk to town as soon as the water drops a few more angstroms. I will do my best to avoid Deputy Dawg and that damn Big Bob.
Let me know if it's OK to send the information to Beth and I will do so immediately. I want you to be sleeping comfortably in a king-size vibra-bed at Motel 6. I want you to have good food from Taco Bell or KFC. I want you to be able to go into the drug store with your head held high and say, "Give me some PILLS, dude!" I want you to have all the pills you need, just like me. These are the things I want for you Motorhead, along with the ability to travel to the United States with Beth, to be able to hang out banging Percs all night, to go to baseball games, to listen to Tiny Tim, to watch Green Acres and Mr. Ed on my new Sony Plasma TV. I want to buy you tennis shoes and Vienna Sausages and vintage Etch-A-Sketches on eBay! All these things can come true, Motorhead! Please don't be discouraged. I will send Beth all the information as soon as I hear from her. Please tell her to email me immediately.
I am very hurt by your letter.
Love, Dad
Subject: MY SON IS VERY SICK NOW.
Dear Robert,
How are you doing.Please my son wrote me yersterday to tell me that he is still very sick from eating that bad food because of lack of money.We have money and we are not beggers.The help you are rendering to us is not free.You will get 30% of the total money.Please do not let my son die.He is the only son i have now.So please if you really want to help us and if you really want my son to stay alive,please do not delay any more just sent the information about the Western Union money to me so that i can send it to him right away.
Here in the camp they have not let me use the computer for some time now and things are getting worse so if you realy want to help us, please you must start acting now and stop these long story you are telling.I am not happy that you know that my son is sick and you still did not care to send him the information about the money so that he can at least my some medicine.Then how do you care.You have to show it by actions not by writing long stories.
If you want to help us, now is the time to show it if not then i think i will start looking for some one else.You can send the information of the Western Union money to me or to my son.You can also tell Cherry to call my son and give him the information.
Please i do not have much time now beause of the situation here.So all depends on you now if you want to give the information of the money then i should see it in your next mail and not another kind of story.
Take care and by for now, Beth.