Subject: THE INFORMATION YOU REQUIRE!!!
Dear Beth,
I have received your email today and it seemed to be short and curt like the previous one from Motorhead. I have spent hours and hours attempting to console you and your son while formulating a plan to get him $1,000. My attempts and hard work don't seem to be appreciated by either you or by Motorhead. I've attempted to be your friend and tell you a little bit about my life. I've attempted to be honest with you and since I've gotten to know you, Beth, I've felt more alive and happy than at any time since I lost my son and wife. Remember, Beth, you still have a son left! My wife and son are both DEAD! Plus I'm being sued by Umberto's parents; I'm being threatened by Big Bob and Deputy Dawg; I'm living on week-old, half-rotten brim; I'm completely out of Percs; my Walkman's batteries are dead, so no more Tiny Tim; I haven't been able to watch Green Acres or Mr. Ed; and now I am losing my only friends in the world: YOU and MOTORHEAD!!!
But, I am going to forgive you and Motorhead because I believe this is not how you both are normally, but that you are both under a great deal of stress because of your situation. I understand stress. I am under a great deal of stress myself. But I haven't made ACME Industrial Cheese Straighteners, Inc. into the largest cheese straightening corporation in the tri-state area by being a bad business man. I have done it by being very, very careful not to be taken advantage of by crooks and con artists and thieves. Despite all that, I will forgive your impatience and send you the information you require.
I have visited the Western Union web page myself and discovered something that Cherry didn't realize. I am limited to $999.99 and cannot send more at any one time. Therefore I will be unable to send Motorhead the $1,000 I promised. I can only send him $999.99. I'll have to make the penny up to him later. If you check out Western Union's web page, you will see that I am telling the truth.
Now, listen very closely Beth and pay strict attention to all the following points:
I am sending Motorhead $999.99 via Godson Ezeh Chukwuemeka, 130 Sabka Road, Deira-Dubai, U.A.E. Western Union allows me to pick from three questions and the question I have chosen is "Pet's Name." When they ask Chukwuemeka what my pet's name is, the answer will be: NHEE GHEE. They will also ask him the senders name, which is CHERRY PAWPED. They will also ask for the transfer number. That is the last piece of information you need, Beth, but I WILL NOT SEND THIS NUMBER until you answer the primary question that you and Motorhead have been avoiding for some reason.
WHO IS CHUKWUEMEKA??? I want answers, Beth! I want to know who this man is and why I should trust him. I trust you and Motorhead, but I have never heard ONE WORD from Chukwuemeka. I'm sorry if I seem angry to you, Beth, but I am just being VERY CAREFUL! I want Motorhead to have his medicine as much as you do. I want him to get well and to have all the Burrito Supremes his heart could desire. And if he doesn't get this, it will NOT be my fault, Beth, it will be your fault. I am asking a very simple question and simply being careful. For all I know this Chukwuemeka could be some Arab that is trying to trick Motorhead. I don't know anything about him.
Therefore, I want answers and I want them now. The only piece of information Motorhead now needs is the number. I will send the number when I hear from Chukwuemeka himself and not before. Do you want to save Motorhead's life Beth? Then it's all up to you.
Sincerely, Robert
Subject: THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR UNDERSTANDING ME.
Dear Robert,
How are you today ? Thank you very much for understaning me.Please i am just afraid for the health and life of my only son.If i think of all my other children who were killed by rebel in our country i just feel very bad so i could not bear to hear that my remaining son is sick and i am in a position that i can not help him.
When i enquired from Motorhead about his friend Chukwuemeka, he told me that Chukwuemeka is a nice boy who works in a cargo/travel office there in Dubai..He said that this chukwuemeka is a young boy who is really assisting him.He said that this Chukwuemeka is a boy who works in a cargo office there in Dubai and helps to park,tie and load goods into containers for the office he works there in Dubai .He said that because this Chukwuemeka works in this cargo office he also help in that cargo office to obtain Dubai visa for some Africans who travel to Dubai to buy goods. He said that this Chukwuemeka will be happy for him to recieve that money from you because Chukwuemeka has always assisted him as a fellow African in Arab country there in Dubai.He also said that this Chukwuemeka is a nice African and a christian.
Another thing i think you should understand is that Motorhead will have all the money transfer information and they are going to go to the bank together.And Motorhead is not a baby so if Motorhead did not feel he can trust Chukwuemeka then he would not have chosen him as a friend.You must also understand that dIfferent people can have the same name so i think you are mistaking this Chuwuemeka in Dubai for another person.
So i hope that you are satisfied now and that you will give me the money transfer controle number without further delay while my son is still alive.Please do quick and send the money transfer controlle number to me so that i can give it to motorhead so that he can at list go and buy medicine for his stomach.
Please let us solve this prolem and then move ahead.I am looking forward to coming to meet with you very soon.
How is it that you are still trapped in the water.Are you having fun there in the water.It is like you have not yet decided to get out of the water.Or are there not enough rescue people over there.What about 911 have they stopped helping people.
I am waiting to recieve the money trasfer controlle number and i hope you will not come up with another explanation of why you will not give the controlle number.If you do give it in your reply good and fine if you do not send it then frankly i will start to think that you are not really serious.Because you know that my son's life is in danger here so if you do care about us and you do really want to help us you must include the money transfer controlle number in your next mail.So if you do not include it and just ask for another explanation or another reason why you are the best cheeze straightener in America or another reason why you have to be the first American cheeze straightener who did swim acrosse the pacific and atlantic oceans bare handed then i know i have to look for another person to help me and my only son.
I am waiting to read from you with the required information.
LOVE FROM YOUR BETH TO BE.
Subject: I AM TRUSTING YOU AND CHUKWUEMEKA WITH THE NUMBER
Dear, dear Beth,
Thank you for your email today. I just wish you or Motorhead would have told me before that Chukwuemeka worked in a cargo office. There is no finer trade in the world (other than cheese straightening) than being a cargo handler. My own dear father was a cargo handler for 65 years and would often come home at night regaling us children with tales of exotic cargoes from around the world. Until I discovered cheese straightening, I was determined to be a cargo handler myself. I think this is a wonderful profession and I hope that Chukwuemeka will accompany you and Motorhead to the United States and get out of that hell hole called U.A.E. What are two good African Christian boys doing there anyway?
Beth, although I told you that I wanted to hear from Chukwuemeka himself, I am so worried about Motorhead's health that I am going to trust you and him and send you the number for Western Union before I hear from the "cargo baron." But you must promise me that you will have this wonderful Chukwuemeka write to me as soon as he and Motorhead retrieve the money from Western Union. I want to hear all about how he became a cargo handler. This will make me very happy. Tell him that I appreciate him looking after my "son."
Here is Motorhead's number to claim the $999.99 (please tell Motorhead that I am very sorry it's not the full $1,000 that I promised. I didn't realize that Western Union were such tight-arsed bastards! I will send the penny later.) The number is: 4756391-101003. The last numbers represent the date when I sent the money to Western Union, being October 10, 2003. I believe that these numbers are to be placed at the end, but I don't really think they're required to get the money. Please tell Motorhead to remember my pet's name, which is NHEE GHEE. Nhee Ghee was half basset hound and half spitz. What a wonderful dog he was, too! A beautiful animal that was trained to run out to the mail box and get my weekly copy of Cheese Straighteners Monthly. It would often be soaked with dog saliva, but I loved that dog so much that I didn't care.
Now, about the trunk, Beth. How long before we can claim it? I am looking so forward to traveling to Africa to claim the trunk and bring you, Motorhead and Chukwuemeka back to America. We will all have so much fun and I can't believe I am finally going to have a family again. Beth, I want to thank you for understanding all my little business quirks ... I know that you have grown impatient with me in the past, but this is how I have been able to dodge rip-off artists, con men and thieves all this time and build my company into the cheese straightening powerhouse it is today. If Motorhead doesn't really want to work for me, then perhaps Chukwuemeka will want to work in our shipping department? I hope so! And you don't have to worry about working at all Beth ... You can stay home and order stuff from The Sharper Image and Speigels catalog and drink frothy cappuccinos all day long and watch my entire VHS collection of Mr. Ed, Green Acres and Petticoat Junction and just finally relax after your horrible ordeal.
How are things in the camp? Have those blasted councilors begun treating you better? I see that they are allowing you more internet access now. That's good. I hope we can continue to communicate through email until we are finally together. Please write to me immediately after Motorhead and Chukwuemeka have gotten the money so that I know nothing has gone wrong.
Where in the world did you get the idea that I wanted to swim across the Atlantic and Pacific oceans? Frankly, that would be impossible!
Take care, Beth! Oh, by the way ... When will I receive a picture of you? I have been imagining how beautiful you are, but of course looks don't matter at all. I would still be fond of you even if you weighed 959 kilos and looked like a wildebeast!
With love and affection,
Robert
Subject: DID YOU GET YOUR MONEY YET?
Dear Motorhead,
How are you, son? I hope you are feeling better. I also hope that you and Chukwuemeka have made it to the Western Union office to pick up the $999.99 that Cherry has sent you. Did Beth give you the number? I sent it to her this morning even though I heard nothing from Chukwuemeka, which worried me a great deal until Beth told me that he was worked in a cargo office. This pleased me to no end, since my dear, departed father worked in a cargo office before he died. He would often tell us the story of the time he was assigned a cargo invoice consisting of 14 tonnes of dried palsied elk bladder as an emergency aid shipment to starving children in Mongolia. He was so proud to be a part of this humanitarian aid package. He had a friend in Ulaan Bataar who took pictures of the happy children opening their packages of dried elk bladder and chowing down right there on the tarmac. I was never more proud of my father than for that episode of his cargo office days.
When I sent Beth the number that Western Union gave me I hope that the date portion was in the correct sequence. I was a little confused by the form they emailed me after Cherry sent the money. I didn't know if the date numbers went in front of the control number or behind it. If you have any problem at the Western Union office, just tell them to put those numbers in front that are at the end and it should be OK. If you need me to send you a copy of the control invoice ticket stub, which contains both numbers, please let me know and I can do that. Cherry could easily scan it and email it to me here at the cabin.
You keep asking me if I am having fun here at the cabin. Of course I am NOT having fun. I'm out of Percs, my batteries are dead and the brim is almost all gone! I will have to start spear fishing in a few days if I can't get out of here. Believe me, Motorhead, there is nothing I want more than to sleep in my own bed, raid my own stash of Percs and Ludes, and pass out with Tiny Tim blasting in my diskman headphones while watching re-runs of Green Acres. I used to have major wet dreams about Lisa (Eva Gabor), let me tell you! I thought she was TOTALLY HOT! Speaking of which, why have you not sent me a picture of dear, dear Beth yet? I am hoping that you will send me one today so that I may gaze upon her dear face and figure. I have been dreaming about Beth every night and have used up all the towels in the cabin. Please don't tell Beth I said that though ... That will be just between us men.
Please tell Chukwuemeka that I will give him a high-paying job at ACME Industrial Cheese Straighteners, Inc. in our shipping department. I am always looking for talented young men who are honest and won't rip me off.
Please let me know immediately when you have received the $999.99 and have been able to purchase your pills. I think that is the main reason I decided to trust your mother and Chukwuemeka ... I know what it's like to run out of pills! I hope you weren't jonesing too badly! I hope to hear from you very soon, son.
Love, Dad
Subject: I HAVE NOT HEARD FROM MOTORHEAD!!!!
Dearest Beth,
It's been now almost two days since I sent the Western Union information to you and I have heard NOTHING from Motorhead! Oh, Beth ... I knew I should have trusted my business instincts on this one. I knew I should not have trusted Chukwuemeka. I'm so worried that Chukwuemeka has killed Motorhead and taken off with my $999.99. I knew something bad was going to happen. I told you that we shouldn't trust Chukwuemeka! Didn't I tell you that Beth? I'm about to have a nervous breakdown worrying about Motorhead, who is the closest thing I have to a son left in the whole world. I will fly to U.A.E. (even though I HATE A-Rabs!) and attempt to find out what happened if I have to. Please tell me that Motorhead is OK! I have horrible thoughts that he is lying in some back alley, covered in effluvia and stench-ridden detritus from some Moslem septic tank, crying out for help and nobody can hear him! This is my nightmare, Beth. Oh please, God, let Motorhead be SAFE! Will you pray with me, Beth? I'm going to have to take a triple dose of Percs to even calm down enough to THINK! And we must THINK, Beth. We must think what to do next. This has hurt me worse than even the death of my wife, Bethany, who died trying to find succor for my serious jones.
Worriedly, Robert
Subject: MOTORHEAD, ARE YOU SAFE????
Dear Motorhead,
My son, I am so worried. I have heard nothing from you since I sent Beth the control numbers for the $999.99 that Cherry sent you. I hope that bastard Chukwuemeka hasn't tricked us. If Chukwuemeka has harmed one hair on your head, Motorhead, I will hunt him down and MAKE HIM PAY! Even if it takes me the rest of my life, I will avenge you!
PLEASE WRITE BACK!!!!
- Dad
Subject: HERE IS WESTERN UNION RECEIPT
Beth,
I don't understand why you have not written me back. I am fearing for the worst. Did Motohead get the money? I have attached the receipt from Western Union showing the number and date in case he had trouble with my email. Please send him this receipt and let me know how you are doing!!
Worriedly, Robert
Subject: DID YOU GET THE MONEY?
Beth,
Did you and Motorhead get the money yet? Did Motorhead get his pills? I'm finally out of the cabin and back in my office! I'm never going fishing again unless you and Motorhead want to when you both come to the United States. Please, please let me know how you two are doing!
With Concern, Robert
Subject: DID YOU GET THE MONEY FROM CHERRY?????
Dear Son,
Did you get the money? Did you get your medicine? How is Beth? Please let me know what is going on before I worry myself into a catatonic state!
Love, Dad
Subject: Re: DID YOU GET THE MONEY?
Dear Robert,
Thank God that you are out of the cabin now.I was hoping that you will keep some fish for me and Motorhead so that when we come over there we will eat and remember when you were trapped in your cabin.So i hope you will send me your phone number now so that i can give it to motorhead to call you and tell you how he is doing bye himself.
Now that you are out of the water motorhead can call you on your phone or you can also call motorhead on his mobile 00971-503-480-965.So i hope now that your communication with motorhead will be on phone now and not email so you should go ahead and call him right away so that he can tell you how he is doing.
I am stoping because of lack of time here in the camp.
LOVE, bEtH.
Subject: THANK GOD!!!!
My Dearest Sweet Beth,
THANK GOD! I was getting REAL worried about you, not having heard from you in days and days. I'm sorry, but I wasn't able to keep any fish for you and Motorhead ... I had to eat! Did Motorhead get the money that Cherry sent? I will try to call him tonight after I take care of some business. Beth, you can imagine what shape ACME Industrial Cheese Straighters, Inc was in when I returned. Big Bob has gone on the lam with the ENTIRE bank account from my company! He has embezzled over $2.1 million and has fled to Paraguay. And Beth, the most heart-breaking aspect of this whole sorry state of affairs is that CHERRY WENT WITH HIM! I'm heart-broken, Beth.
You see, I was in love with Cherry. She has been working for my company for 15 years and all this time I never told her how I felt about her. Many nights we'd be working together late into the night and she'd be wearing her Leather Nun discipline outfit with the cute halter top with the hand-cuff print and it was all I could do to keep myself from asking her to go home with me for a night of making the two-backed monster. Beth, now I wish I would have asked. Perhaps she wouldn't have taken off with Big Bob! Oh, life is filled with regrets. It looks like you are the only woman left in my life, Beth, and we've never even met face to face! What am I going to do? Since my wife, Bethany, died in that "drug deal gone bad" I've immersed myself in my work and have given no time or thought to being in love. I should have paid more attention to my glands!
Now that I think of it, I hope that Cherry really DID send Motorhead the money like she said she did. Oh Beth, I'm so confused! I think I'll just close the door to my private office, knock back a couple dozen Percs and chug a fifth of tequila and put on some Tiny Tim. You never did tell me what your favorite Tiny Tim album is. And when will you send me a picture of yourself? I've sent you one of me, now it's your turn.
How are things in the camp? I hope those couseler bastards are treating you with respect and dignity. Are they getting take-out from KFC for you on a regular basis? If not, then I WILL MAKE THEM PAY!!!!
Please let me know if the money order to Motorhead was filed and banked.
Ciao, Robert
Subject: Re: DID YOU GET THE MONEY FROM CHERRY?????
Hi ,
CAN YOU CALL ME OR GIVE ME YOUR NUMBER SO THAT I CAN CALL YOU ?
IF YOU WANT TO KNOW ANYTHING JUST CALL ME AND IF YOU DO NOT CALL ME, THEN DO NOT WORRY YOUR SELF TO WRITE ME BECAUSE I WILL NEVER REPLY YOU. 00971-503-480-965. IF YOU CAN NOT CALL ME THEN JUST FORGET EVERY THING.
Subject: Re: THANK GOD!!!!
HALLO,
But why can't you call him to find out if he did recieve the money or not. You must know the answer in advance that is why you do not want to call him to find out. Just call him to find out how he is doing and if he did recieve the money or not.
In case you did forget his number it is 00971-503-480-965.
Beth.
Subject: WHAT'S UP WITH MOTORHEAD?
Dear Beth,
I attempted to call Motorhead today, THREE TIMES, but the call would never go through. I called the operator and she said there were always problems calling that part of the Middle East. I will try again. I wanted to email Motorhead my phone number so HE could call ME, but he said he would ignore my emails and never contact me again. THIS IS TERRIBLE! Just when I was beginning to see a light at the end of the tunnel. Just when I was getting over Bethany's untimely death. Just when I got a decent Perc connection to replace Binny, who was killed last week by Big Bob before that bastard fled to Paraguay with Cherry and all my money.
PLUS, I just sent $999.99 to Motorhead! Is he just going to take my money and skedaddle like some ungrateful son?? Oh Beth, this reminds me so much of Darrell, it's like my life is on repeat. I remember when I cut Darrell out of my will. He got so pissed off that he put Drano in my guppy pond and slashed the tires on my Schwinn 3-speed. I had to walk eighteen yards to the mailbox for MONTHS afterward. And I didn't have any Percs then, just Ludes. Can you imagine?
So, Beth, why did I get this angry email from Motorhead? I sent him the money through Cherry. Are you saying she didn't send it? Is THAT what happened? I'll whomp that little stumpet for this! Tell Motorhead to hang on, Beth! Tell him to be strong. We'll get to the bottom of this little mystery!
How's camp going? How long are you there for? Is it for the whole summer? How many merit badges have you earned so far? When will you send me a picture of you? Do you like Green Acres better than Mr. Ed?
I'm scared to email Motorhead because he's so mad for some reason. I'll try to call him again tonight. I have the fold-away bed next to the antique cheese-log chair down in the basement all set up for you and Motorhead for when you guys get to the United States.
Ciao, Robert
Subject: Re: DID YOU GET THE MONEY FROM CHERRY?????
Hi Dad,
How are you ? I am still waiting for your call.I hope you are alright and i just want to know why you do not want to call me.
If you are a serious person then you should call me since you have my number.If you do not want to call me then you must give me your number so that i can call you.
You truely want to know how i am doing so please call me or you give me your number so that i can call you .I am happy now becuse you are out of the water so if you are a true and honest person then you should call me or you give me your number so that i can call you.
In case you have lost my number let me give it to you once more.The number again is 00971-503-480-965.I am waiting for your call and i sincerely hope that my phone will ring any minute from now and i hope it is going to be you.
By Dad.
Subject: HOPE YOU'RE DOING OK
Dear Motorhead,
THANKS, boy, for writing me. I thought you were just going to tell me to get out of your life forever or something. That's what your last email sounded like. That's the impression I got from it, was that you didn't ever want to hear from me again. That really, really hurt me, Motorhead. More than you can ever imagine. I've written to Beth, but she hasn't written back. I felt like you'd both abandoned me. I felt like I was completely alone. That's a scary feeling, Motorhead. It's like I was right back in the space I was in when Bethany and Darrell were gone. It's like I'm in this void that has no boundaries, nothing but gray clouds that seem to float on forever and ever. It's a horrible place to be, Motorhead, let me tell you. I never want to be in that place again. That's why getting an email from you is such a pleasant surprise.
How are you doing? It sounds like you're doing better. Did you end up getting some medicine? I guess you got the money that Cherry sent, since you never told me you didn't get it. That's good, Motorhead! I hope you got a room in a nice, clean Motel 6 and that you've been eating plenty of Burrito Supremes and Soft Shell Tacos. You just stay at that Motel 6 as long as you want, OK?
I haven't been able to take the time to call you Motorhead. I tried the other night, three times, but was never able to get through. Until I figure out the mess that Cherry and Big Bob made of my books I won't even be able to turn on the electricity! Much less the phone. That's why I need the money from those trunks, Motorhead! I've been totally screwed by Big Bob. That bastard!
Well, keep your chin up, boy! I'm still thinking about you and as soon as I get the phones here turned on I will call you or you can call me.
Love, Dad
Subject: Re: WHAT'S UP WITH MOTORHEAD?
OK WHY DID YOU NOT GIVE ME YOUR NUMBER NOW .
I WANT YOU TO GIVE ME YOUR NUMBER IN YOUR NEXT MAIL.IF YOU DO NOT INCLUDE YOUR NUMBER IN YOUR NEXT MAIL THEN JUST STOP WRITING ME .
IF YOU DO NOT SEND YOUR NUMBER IN YOUR IMMIDIATE NEXT MAIL, THEN FORGET US.
IT IS ONLY YOUR NUMBER IN YOUR NEXT MAIL THAT WILL PROVE THAT YOU ARE REAL.
EXCLUDE YOUR PHONE NUMBER IN YOUR NEXT MAIL THEN THAT IS IT YOU WILL JUST BE PROVING TO ME THAT YOU ARE FAKE AND JUST WAISTING MY TIME .
beth.
Subject: WHY HASN'T MOTORHEAD CALLED?
Dear, dear Beth,
Did you get my phone number? Did you give it to Motorhead? I waited all night for a phone call and never received it. What is going on? Jezus, I have a BAD HEADACHE! I think I'm getting seriously depressed over this situation. Worrying about you and Motorhead, losing Cherry and Big Bob, having my company almost go bankrupt, losing my wife and son. I probably have a brain tumor or something. Please write me something that will cheer me up, Beth. I'm so DEPRESSED!
Love, Robert
Subject: READ YOUR DICTIONARY, MOTORHEAD
Dear Motorhead,
Now that you and Beth have abandoned me like everybody else, I want you to do me a favor. Get out your English dictionary and look under the "M" section. Look up the word MUTE. Do you see the definition? Now, think about it for a minute. THAT IS MY TERRIBLE SECRET! I have no voice, Motorhead. I cannot speak! My vocal cords have been destroyed. THAT'S why I was neglecting your requests for my phone number. I cannot use telephones like normal people. Oh how I HATE normal people sometimes. Normal men laugh at me! Normal women shun me and run away from me. There! Are you happy now? PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't tell Beth. I am embarrassed by my condition and have NEVER been able to have a woman since my accident. I had dreams of dating your Mom when you two came to the U.S. But I wanted her to know that I was a thoughtful, wonderful man before she knew my horrible secret. I wanted her to see me as I really am INSIDE. You see, Motorhead, no woman here wants a man that can only grunt and drool and spit. A man that can never tell a woman that he loves her. A man who cannot speak the words that come from his heart. That's right Motorhead ... your adopted dad is a MUTE!
When I was a stupid teenager, me and some friends had a blasting cap biting contest. I know, it was the height of insanity. But we were young and stupid and drunk. I bit into a blasting cap and the explosion blew out all my teeth and destroyed my vocal cords. My young wife left me soon after. That's right, I told a lie when I said Bethany was dead. She's very much alive, but she didn't want to live with a FREAK! That's what I am, my son. A WORTHLESS FREAK who doesn't have a life worth living. So, I've decided to take my own life. I can't stand not having a chance at happiness. A chance that I felt I had with you and Beth. But you're just like all the rest of the superficial people on this stinking planet. You only look at the surface or what people can do for you. You never look at the INSIDE of a person, at their heart. I hope you and your mom are happy. I can't stand living in a world that hates me anymore. My wife is gone. My business associate is gone. My secretary, Cherry is gone. And now you, my only friends in the entire world are gone. Goodbye Motorhead. I was happy to have a son if only for a brief time. You gave me a little ray of sunshine. A little ray of hope. But now that is gone, like everything else.
Love, Dad
Subject: READ YOUR DICTIONARY MOTORHEAD
Dear Dad,
I have red all your mails and i now understand you better.Please i was very angry because when i went to the bank with the Western Union information which you sent to my mother they did not give me any money.In the first place they said the controle number which you gave was only 7 but that the normal number of controle number is 10.So they searched their computer and they did not find any thing so they did not give me any money.
When i went home that day i was very angry and you know that i am sick so that sort of increased my sickness.For now i am not yet ok I am still suffering from that stomarch pain and i do not eat well because i do not have money to buy good food.I am not sleeping in any hotel now because i do not have money to pay for the hotel charges.
i am now sleeping in a very old dirty house with and old man who is helping me.I hope i do not get more ill because of the invironment here.There is no air condition and the weather here is very hot.Every night we have to sleep outside untill it is morning.When the sun is shining we just seat inside and pespiration covers all our body.
Right now my clothes have an ordour which i do not like because of constant perspiration. I have never lived like this all my life and i am feeling very bad right now.I have not told my mother all this because if i tell her she will only remember our past life and she will definately be crying every day.So please if you realy care since you are out of the water now you can go to the Western Union and send me some money.
I do not like to be a begger because i have never been a begger.We have money but we just have to be carefull and patient and i know every thing will be ok soon.
Please i do not want to keep begging you and i know that you understand me very well so please send me some money.I mean any amount for me now nothing is small and nothing is big.I will appreciate any amount you will send to me.
I am waiting for your urgent reply soon.Please i want you to do me one favour.I do not want you to tell my mother my present condition.You know that i am a man so i can manage my self under any condition.But i am waiting for your urgent reply and to recieve the money from you because you are the only person who can send me some money now.
Take care and good bye.
Motorhead.
Subject: THANKS MOTORHEAD
Dear Motorhead,
Thank you for understanding. I'm sorry that you are perspiring so badly. Isn't there any way you can get some Tide or Cheer or even Ajax with the magic crystals to clean your clothing with? Is your friend's washing machine broken? I understand that situation because my washing machine has been spewing water all over the basement, ruining my high school yearbooks. It reminds me of being in that cabin.
Now that you know I have no voice, how do you feel about me? I have to use sign language, such as the Dio "Up the Irons" Metal salute. This is fine when I'm at a Death Metal concert where it's too loud to speak anyway, but when I'm in line at the local Walmart picking up a couple of cheese straightener liners and somebody asks me something like "What's the capital of Albania," then I have to bow my head in shame and get my magic marker out and write it on my forehead. My forehead is stained from years of writing the names of Eastern European capitals on it. It makes life difficult.
What do you think Beth will think of me now? Do you think she would go to the prom with me? Do you think she would learn sign language? Please tell her to never ask me what the capital of Albania is.
Motorhead, I will attempt to get by Western Union tomorrow, after I ascertain that the money that Big Bob and Cherry stole from me is back in the bank. Q.D. McGraw and B.B. Louie have tracked them through Mexico, Central America, and norther South America, all the way to Paraguay, where they were living it up, drinking Pisco Sours and participating in all kinds of decedant activities such as the Black Sock and the Snot Bucket Eel.
I'm sorry that Cherry lied when she said she sent you that money, Motorhead. I know how difficult it must have been and how disappointing. It's not the first time she's done something like this. I remember when she took the keys to the cheese straightening machinery one time when she was mad at me. We had a huge contract to straighten 874,594 kilos of Wisconsin brick cheese and it all went bad because of that sleazy strumpet! I lost $13,426.43 on that particular screw-up!
Motorhead, when are you going to send me a picture of Beth? I sent a picture of myself long ago and I'd like to see her just so I can know what I am dreaming about and using so many towels.
One of the reasons I need this money so bad, Motorhead is so that I can get a throat operation and be able to speak again. The first thing I'm going to do is call Big Bob and tell him to "Eat Shit and DIE!" That's what I'm going to do.
Please tell Beth I said hello. Well, actually, I didn't SAY hello, since I can't say it ... But I TYPED it. Same difference. Six of one, half dozen of the other. Easy come, easy go. That's the way the wombat farts.
What is the old man's name who is helping you? He's not a homo is he?
Love, Dad
Subject: Re: WHAT'S UP WITH MOTORHEAD?
Dear, dear Beth,
I am worried that you haven't replied because Motorhead spilled the beans and told you the horrible truth about me. If so, I'm just going to eat a can of Drano and end it all. I don't want to live any more.
Robert
Subject: Re: HOPE YOU'RE DOING OK
Dear Motorhead,
It's been almost five days since I've heard from you. I think that you and Beth have decided to abandon me because of my physical defect. This is TERRIBLE. I cannot help being unable to speak because of the blasting cap biting contest incedent. At least I won second prize. I would have won first if that damn Big Bob hadn't bitten a Z-80 Model IV with 154 grains of gunpowder! I'll win next year, I promise and I will give you the trophy. What is the status of the trunk? How can we get it? We need to move on this Motorhead so we can all be RICH! How are you doing? Did you get the email I sent through Beth about your money?
Love, Dad
Subject: HOW ARE YOU?
Dear Beth,
How's it going, Beth? Did Motorhead ever get to eat at Taco Bell? Did he get a Burrito Supreme? Are you eating at KFC? Do you like the spicy wings? Hope everything's going well there. I'm doing fine here. Finally got a large bottle of GOOD PILLS and I've been staying pretty wasted! Motorhead never told me whether or not the money Cherry sent got to him or not. If not, why hasn't he told me? I'll send it again if he'd just write me an email.
Love, Robert
Subject: Re: HOPE YOU'RE DOING OK
Dear Motorhead,
If I don't hear from you within 24 hours, I will know that you are not real and have been wasting my time. I still don't know whether not Cherry really sent you the money.
Dad
Hi Beth!
How's it going? Well, I guess you guys aren't going to write me back. That's OK. BECAUSE YOU'RE A FUCKING MORON. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I can't believe you kept answering my emails. Jesus, you're STUPID! Do you know how many of these Nigerian Scams we Americans get in the mail every day? HUNDREDS! And, like yours, they're all BULLSHIT! I was just wasting your time and having a lot of fun doing it. How much time did you waste talking to me? YOU DUMBASS! Anyway, Beth, or whatever your REAL name is, you will soon be appearing on my website. And remember:
THE WHOLE WORLD IS LAUGHING AT YOU!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
Sincerely, Robert K. Keller
Subject: ABOUT THE MONEY
Hi "David"!
How's it going? Well, I guess you guys aren't going to write me back. That's OK. BECAUSE YOU'RE A FUCKING MORON. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I can't believe you kept answering my emails. Jesus, you're STUPID! Do you know how many of these African Scams we Americans get in the mail every day? HUNDREDS! And, like yours, they're all BULLSHIT! I was just wasting your time and having a lot of fun doing it. How much time did you waste talking to me? How much money did you spend on internet? How does if feel to be so incredibly stupid, YOU DUMBASS? Anyway, David/Motorhead, or whatever your REAL name is, you will soon be appearing on www.ebolamonkeyman.com so be sure and look at that website so you can see your own words. And remember:
THE WHOLE WORLD IS LAUGHING AT YOU!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
Sincerely, Robert K. Keller
Subject: Re: ABOUT THE MONEY
DEAR MUTE DAD,
YOU ARE VERY RIGHT.SOME PEOPLE ARE LAUGHING BUT SOME ARE ALSO SENDING US MONEY.
TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH JUST THREE DAYS AGO A VERY CLEVER AMERICAN PAYED ME AND MY MOTHER $15,000 USD. TO SHIP THE TRUNK BOX TO HIM AND GUESS WHAT HE WILL STILL PAY US FOR DELIVERING THE BOX TO HIS HOME ADDRESS.
AND THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IS THAT WE ARE NOT JUST YET READY TO QUIT BECAUSE WE ARE MAKING REAL MONEY EASY AND COOL.
YOURS TRUELLY,
DAVID, MOTORHEAD, ASSHOLE, FUCKING MORON, DUMBASS.
Subject: ABOUT YOUR RECENT EMAIL!
Dear Motorhead,
I just received your email. PLEASE, you must believe me that I would never in a MILLION YEARS write such horrible things. IT WAS BIG BOB that did it!!! Him and Cherry broke into my office and read all my emails to you and dear, dear Beth and wrote all those horrible, terrible things. As you know, I have treated you as a son and have been honest with you and Beth. When you didn't write me for several days I assumed that it was because of my physical defect. Are you still in touch with Beth? How are the camp counsellors treating her? I hope she has had plenty of KFC to eat. PLEASE don't send the trunk to those other people! We had the deal first. I will send you $1,000 today so you can see if I am telling the truth. Please have Beth write me as well. When you come to the United States, you must help me deal with Big Bob and Cherry!
Love, Dad