Stuart Wilson/Mark Owen/Isaac Iyamu - Part 2
dear Mr Keller,
thanks for your mail,i am assuring you that your prize will be given to you as soon as you get to amsterdam,you can decide to do whatever you fill like doing with your money. and that of Mr Wilson,you cannot tell him how to run his office,what i will tell you is that call Mr Wilson on this number 0031630602575 and settle all you need to do with him.
good luck. Mark.
Mark,
WHAT!!??!! After the shabby way that bastard Wilson has treated me you want me to call him? YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING! I ain't calling that jerk. NONE of you have answered any of my questions I've asked about Amsterdam, Taco Bell, Leave It To Beaver. This email is to inform you that today at 4:00 pm I am cancelling my flight to Amsterdam. I don't believe there even is a Sunsweet Lotto. You've never answered my question about not having a website. If you were a real company, you'd have a website.
Keller
Hey Mark,
How come I haven't heard from you? What's that fucking Stuart Wilson asshole up to? Probably scamming innocent people out of their money. What a fucking cock-sucker that Wilson is! But he's NOTHING compared to that fucking Iyamu piece of shit! That guy BUTTFUCKS LITTLE CHILDREN, Mark. How can you even associate with that fucking asshole! Hell, I'm beginning to think YOU'RE a fucking HOMO!
Robert Keller
dear keller
please your money is still with us,if you wish you claim you know what to do and stop using bad words on us,we are here to meet up your demand.
Mr Mark.
Mr. Mark,
Sorry for the bad language, I must have lost my head or something. It's probably all the financial pressure I'm under after losing my company due to my stupid son's meth lab. I REALLY need that money. I can still transfer my plane ticket. When would be the best time to come to Amsterdam? How long do I have before my money expires? Will I get a check immediately or will I have to wait? How come your company doesn't have a website? The reason I was so angry with Stuart is that he would never answer any of my questions, which as a business man yourself, you know these questions are legitimate. Again, I apologize for using bad language. It's just that Iyamu and Stuart totally pissed me off. You said in your email "you know what to do." But that's just it, Mark, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO because that Stuart asshole never answered ANY OF MY QUESTIONS!!!! How many times do I have to repeat myself????
R. Keller
DEAR MR KELLER,
I RECEIEVE YOUR MAIL AND I THANK YOU FOR YOUR UNDERSTANDING THAT WE ARE DOING WHAT WE WHERE INSTRUCTED TO DO,PLEASE LET THIS SERVE AS ADVICE TO YOU,DO NOT ALLOWED ANY SITUATION TO MAKE YOU MISS OPPORTUNITY THAT COME YOUR WAY. NOW TO YOUR QUESTIONS,I WILL ADVICE YOU SEND THE NOTORIZATION FEE BY WESTERN UNION,THROUGH ROSE AFRIYIE,BECUASE,IT WILL NOT BE CONVINIENT FOR YOU,NONE ONE WILL HAVE TIME FOR YOU, THE TIME WE MADE ARRANGEMENT TO RECEIVED YOU YOU TURNED IT DOWN,SINCE THE TIME TO PAY YOU IS PAST,I WILL USE MY POSITION TO MAKE SURE THINGS ARE OK WITH YOU,I WILL SEND THE MONEY BY CHECK,FOR THIS REASON YOU NEED TO CONFIRM TO ME WHERE YOU WANT ME TO SEND IT TO.
DO NOT BOTHER TO APOLOGISE,THAT IS WHAT WE ALWAYS HEAR ALL THE TIME,ALL I NEED TO PROMISE YOU IS THAT WE ARE HERE TO SATISFY OUR CUSTOMERS DEMAND. YOUR MONEY HAVE NOT EXPIRED,WE INSTRUCTED THE BANK TO PUT IT ON HOLD,TILL THE NEST BOARD MEETING,WHICH IS TAKING PLACE NEST WEEK FRIDAY. IT WAS AGREED ON OUR APRIL BOARD MEETING THAT WE SHOULD CLOSED OUR WEBSITE,BECAUSE THERE WAS ALWAYS A MISUP AND ABUSE OF OUR SITE BY CUSTOMERS THAT COULD NOT SATIFY US WHAT WE NEED FROM THEM. PLEASE I HOPE YOU ARE PREPARE FOR YOUR MONEY THIS TIME AROUND?. WAITING FOR YOUR CO-OPERATION.
YOUR SINCERELY MR MARK.
Dear Mr. Mark,
Thank you VERY MUCH for being such a kind, considerate, upstanding businessman. It's a pleasure to do business with someone who obviously is a professional. I can't tell you how frustrating it was dealing with that mongoloid Stuart Wilson and that child-molesting heroin dealer, Isaac Iyamu. You seem like such a nice, professional person that I don't understand why you would hire scum like Wilson and Iyamu. ESPECIALLY Iyamu, whom I HATE! I HATE that bastard!
I will send the money to Rose Afriyie. I see a very small problem though, Mr. Mark. I looked at the Western Union website and they limit the amount that a person can send to $999.99. I think this is to prevent terrorists from getting money or something. If I am to send 3,650 Euros, how do I do this when I am so limited in the amount I'm allowed to send? Should I send it in separate transactions? Also, they have a series of questions that the sender (me) is supposed to give to the receiver (Rose Afriyie), such as my pet's name or the maiden name of my mother. Which one should I use? How will Rose Afriyie know the answer to this? Western Union is a very confusing website!
And when you say "DO NOT BOTHER TO APOLOGISE,THAT IS WHAT WE ALWAYS HEAR ALL THE TIME," I can understand how people would send you lots of pissed off emails with morons like Wilson and Iyamu working there. Thanks again for your understanding. I understand about your website, although it's too bad that a few bad apples have to ruin it for the rest of us. Can you believe how low some scumbag rip-off artists will sink? OK, here's the address where to send my check:
Robert K. Keller c/o Ben Killin 4 Wheel Drive Benton, AR 72673
I still want to come to Amsterdam after I get my money. Maybe you and me can go out drinking and score some tail in the Red Light District when I get there. I'll buy you all the Pabst you can guzzle! Just as long as Wilson and Iyamu aren't there! Thanks again!
Sincerely, Robert Keller
Dear Mr Robert Keller,
Thanks for the mail,i will like to inform you that,since you can not send the money at a time,i will advice you send it to be on line with what you can be able to send. Please when you get to the bank,ask if it is posible for you to send the whole money,if not you can send it in different transaction. When ask of the text question to use,you can use my name. Find below how to sender the money:
Receivers Name:Rose Afriyie Payable in Amsterdam Amout to send:3,650 Euro
You are therefore advice to send me the following details,after you have send the money to enable her claim the money.
Control number:
Name of sender:
The to the text question:
You can as well scan the payment slip to me,this will serve for proper documentation. To meet up with the friday deadline, the transaction should be made today monday so that by tuesday the notorization can be done at the court.
Best regards, Mr Mark.
Dear Mr. Mark,
Well, I went to five different banks today and due to the September 11th disaster brought about by those fucking ARAB BASTARDS, I am unable to send more than $999.99 at a time. So I will send four and a half transactions and that, I think will equal the 3,650 Euros if my calculations and the exchange rates given me by the damn retards at the bank are correct and decent. Therefore, the first shipment of $999.99 will go out in the morning to Afriyie, except sometimes you call her Rose Afriyie and other times you call her Afriyie Rose, so I don't know what her first name is and what her last name is. You guys sure seem to have a lot of trouble with people's names. I mean that prick Stuart Wilson sometimes called the child molesting heroin dealer Isaac Iyamu and sometimes he called him Iyamu Isaac. I would expect that from someone as obviously brain dead as that Wilson asshole, but I expected more from you, Mark. Speaking of which, what the hell is YOUR last name? If it's not Mark, then why do you say "Mr. Mark?" That doesn't make any sense. Hope you haven't caught some incurable brain disease from Stuart "Shithead" Wilson!
So we're caught in a snag again! I want to send this money so I can get my prize and move on with life (and party with all the ho'oers in the Red Light District) but you said to use your name in the text. What IS your name? Is it Owie Mark or is it Mark Owie? I know they're gonna ask me about Afriyie or Rose or whatever and also your name at Western Union and if I stand there like an idiot and say, "Uh, I'm not sure what their first name or last name is," then the Western Union people will be very suspicious about that.
I went to my own bank today (Bank of the Ozarks) and withdrew $5,000 so I can buy the Western Union money orders and also buy my plane ticket. I'm kind of pissed off about the whole plane ticket thing, Mark. I mean, I feel like Wilson and Iyamu fucked me over on that one and I had to cancel my flight and it was not completely refundable. I lost about $120 on the transfer to keep the ticket open-ended. So I think you should pay me back the $120 when I get to Amsterdam to make things fair and square. Is this agreeable to you? Hell, just take it out of that piece of shit Iyamu's paycheck. That's what I'd do.
Anyway, I have the cash all ready to send over as soon as you clear up all this name crap. Also, you didn't ever answer my question about how long after I get to Amsterdam will it take for me to get my cheque. Or will you just send me the cheque her in the U.S. And I can cash it before I come over there? Did you get my email with my mailing address? And when I come over there, are you going to show me around the Red Light District or what? If you can send me all this information tonight, then I can go to Western Union by tomorrow afternoon, since we're eight hours behind you in Amsterdam. That way you'll have the money by Thursday. Is this OK? Jesus H. Christ, Mark, I never thought winning a lottery would be such a royal pain in the ass!
Sincerely, Robert K. Keller
Dear Mr Robert Keller,
This is to acknowledge the receipt of your mail,please the money can be sent AFRIYIE ROSE. Regarding what to use as the text question,any name can be use,but to make it easier,that is why i asked you to use my MARK OWEN. I got the address you sent in your previous mail.When you come to Amsterdam,if i am not on official assignment i promised to be with you.
It should be noted that you are to send the money as soon as you receive this mail so that we can have the money before thursday,so that before the close of business on that same day,the notorization can be done. As soon as the cheque is issue,i will send it to the address you sent to me.The cheque can be cash immediately you receive it.
Lastly,i will like to advice you,that you should focus on what you are looking for than to get bother on how names are been used. I await your response.
Yours Sincerely, Mr Mark Owen.
Mr. Mark,
I finally made it to the money order place. WHAT A ROYAL PAIN IN THE ASS that was! I have sent a receipt of the first payment of $999.99 as an attachment with this email. Please let me know that you have received it and that the Afriyie Rose ginch has been able to pick up the payment. As soon as I'm sure this one was successful then I'll mail the other two and a half payments. Can you PLEASE send me one quarter of my winnings, since that is how much I have paid for so far? I REALLY REALLY need the money. Hell, man, I got over $5,000 in fucking fines from my asshole son running that meth lab in my storage shed. So send me a check overnight, for morning delivery, so I can get it in the bank and get this damn ticket shit outta the way. If it costs extra to ship it overnight, then just take the extra shipping charges out of my part of the winnings.
Hey that's real white of you to offer to be with me when I come to Amsterdam. But I think you have the wrong idea, man. I ain't talking about any kind of HOMO SHIT, Mark. I don't care what you do in your spare time ... If you wanna sleep with men, that's OK with me, but I don't want any part of that faggot shit. Man, you're sounding more and more like Stuart every day, no offense. But that's something I would have expected out of that Wilson turd or even MORE out of that fucking heroin dealing child molester, Isaac Iyamu. Have you got rid of those two pieces of shit yet? I'd fire both of them if I was you, Mark.
I'm telling you, Mark ... Those bitches in the Red Light District ain't gonna know what hit 'em when old Robert the K gets into town! Me and you are gonna drink a case of Pabst EACH and then hit the RLD in STYLE! I've got a brand new cowboy hat with an eagle feather in it that I'm going to wear. And you should see my new silver belt buckle. It's got the Stars and Bars on it bigger than shit. Who were you for in the Civil War, Mark, the Confederacy or the Union? You better say the Confederacy or I'll come over there and stomp your dick in a mud hole (just kidding!).
Well, I had to stand in line for two fucking hours this morning sending you the money so I hope you appreciate my efforts. Hey, if Iyamu and Wilson are still there, do me a favor and just walk up to 'em and kick 'em in the balls. Tell 'em it's from Keller.
The question/answer was on a different form, I couldn't remember if your name was Owie or Owen since you've fucked up and spelled it so many different ways. So I picked the question, "What is your favorite pet's name?" The answer is NHEE GHEE. My best dog I ever had was this half Shepard and half chihuahua named Nhee Ghee. So when the Afriyie cooze gets the question, make sure she knows the answer. I'd hate to see her blow it when we're this close. She's not friends with the two assholes is she? Hell, she's probably blowing Iyamu in the broom closet right now. I just don't understand why you want to be surrounded by scumbags like that, Mark.
Let me know when you get the money, Mark and I'll send the next payment. I don't have to have all the payments in by Thursday I hope? I'm sure you'll fix it up for your old buddy.
Sincerely, Robert K. Keller
DEAR MR ROBERT KELLER,
THIS IS TO INFORM YOU THAT I GOT YOUR MAIL,THE INFORMATION HAVE BEEN GIVEN TO ROSE.AS SOON AS SHE GET THE MONEY I WILL LET YOU KNOW SO THAT YOU CAN MAKE THE SECOND PAYMENT. HOWEVER,I HAVE INFORMED THE BANK THAT THE CHWQUE SHOULD BE ISSUE WITH THE TOTAL PRIZE YOU WON,FOR THIS REASON PART OF THE WON CAN NOT BE SENT NOW,THEY ARE GOING THE SENT THE TOTAL PRIZE YOU WON.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR UNDERSTANDING AND CO-OPERATION.
YOURS SINSERELY, MR MARK OWEN.
Mr. Mark,
I got your email and it doesn't make any sense! I get the feeling that you're trying to screw with my head or something. Again, I am reminded of the faggots Wilson and Iyamu. Look at the second sentence of your email, saved below. It says "I HAVE INFORMED THE BANK THAT THE CHWQUE SHOULD BE ISSUE WITH THE TOTAL PRIZE YOU WON." Now WHAT THE FUCK does THAT mean? How can the bank "issue" with the total prize I won? That makes NO SENSE! It's like you're a fucking mongoloid or something, Mark. Then you say "FOR THIS REASON PART OF THE WON CAN NOT BE SENT NOW." What the hell does "PART OF THE WON" mean? Again, you're not making sense, like you're some brain-damaged dumb fuck who's been huffing gas for about 25 eons. Then you say "THEY ARE GOING THE SENT THE TOTAL PRIZE YOU WON." Look at your VERB TENSE there, Mark. You're combining past tense with present perfect tense and this is a STRICT NO-NO! Where did you learn English anyway? In Mexico? I wouldn't be surprised. It seems like there's a lot of "Mexican" in that office of yours. I wouldn't be surprised to find out that Iyamu's name was really Lopez or Lupez or Looooopez or something of that nature.
Listen, Mark ... Are you telling me that the prize WILL or WILL NOT be sent? I need to know because a certain loan-shark named Luigi is gonna bust a cap in my knees if I don't come across with 50 large in about TEN FUCKING MINUTES! And the blood will be on YOUR hands, Mark. DON'T LET ME DOWN!
Have you kicked the Iyamu and Wilson turd-eaters in the nutsacks yet? HURRY UP! Did Afriyie get the check cashed? I wouldn't be surprised if she didn't rip you off and scram outta there with her fucking DICK-SNIPE pals, Iyamu and Wilson. Those fucking FUCKS! Do you hate them as much as I do?
Well, as soon as I find out that everything went OK, I will send the additional payments. Lemme know, bro.
Sincerely, Robert K. Keller
Dear Mr Robert Keller,
Thanks for the mail,i will like to inform you that respect is recipocal,you have not see me before,why using those insultive languages in your mail you sent?.
I am contacting a lot of winners like you,i am bound to make mistakes in my spellings,because i need to attend to other customers like you.Look man i have choosed to help you to claim your prize,i hate when i am insulted ok?.You are suppose to focus on how to get your money,than looking at mistake of others.All our staff are honest people,we are not what you think.Why is it that you ask somany questions?.
Back to the transaction,you can go ahead to make the other payments,so that by tomorrow all the money will be cleared by AFRIYIE ROSE,because there is a must that the Notorization should be done tomorrow,before the Borad of Directors meet on friday.
Thank you once again for the trust you have in me and thanks for the undersatnding.
Mr Mark Owen.
Dear Mark,
Thanks for your email I got today. Listen, man ... I'm not insulting you. And if I am, I apologize. It's just that half the time you come off as some kind of half-wit retard. And the rest of the time you act like a total fag. What am I supposed to do? Just ignore it and tell everybody you're fucking Einstein or something? Mark, it's YOU who continues to work with Stuart Mongoloid Wilson and Isaac Child-Fucker Iyamu, not me. If that's your choice then I cannot change your mind. But I highly recommend that you push those two assholes into the nearest canal so they can float around with all the other turds in Amsterdam.
I have been to Moneygram again today and have sent you the remaining two and a half payments. This brings the U.S. Dollar amount to $3,973.64, which I calculated as the proper exchange rate from the Euro. Do you have a calculator handy? If so, then you can check my ciphers and see if I've sent the correct amount. There are three separate shipments, two consisting of $999.99 and the remainder in the third shipment. They wouldn't let me use the same question and answer for each, so I had to think of new questions and new answers. Please give them to Afriyie. The numbers and information are as follows:
Those questions and answers were the first things that popped into my head. I was under a lot of pressure standing in line and was taken by surprise when they told me I couldn't use your name again. OK, Mark ... I've held up my end of the bargain, now it's YOUR turn. SEND ME THE MONEY and don't make me have to come over there and get it. I'll whomp your sorry ass (along with that of Iyamu and fucking Wilson) if I have to, and it' WON'T be pretty! So whup on down to the post office and MAIL ME MY FUCKING CHECK! Do it NOW, Mark. If you don't want everybody in Arkansas calling you a HOMO, then you'll just take care of business.
Now, I want to come to Amsterdam and this will be my first trip to that country. I don't really know how to speak Amsterdamese so I'll be kind of confused when I get there. So I'm asking you a favor, Mark. Can I stay at your house for a few days until I get my bearings? How close to the Red Light District do you live? Will you still pick me up at the airport? You promised that you would and I expect you to live up to your promises. I'll send you my flight information as soon as I get it. You still owe me for canceling my last reservations because of the Isaac Iyamu piece of shit. Hey, is Afriyie a fox? Is she breedable? You know what I'm talking about, you sly dog, you! She ain't your wife or anything, I hope.
Send the check ya Homo!
Sincerely, Robert K. Keller
Dear Mr Robert keller,
Please this is to inform you that,AFRIYIE ROSE was in money gramm office this morning,she was told that there was no single transaction made by you.She was told that money gramm control numbers are eight digits not seven you sent.the payment slip was not sign,why?.please send the comfirmation slip,and call money gramme office to explain why,Rose cannot claim the money you sent.
For this reason let me know, if there is no money there. waiting to hear from you.
Mr Mark.
Dear Mr. Mark,
WHAT??!!?? What are you talking about? “For this reason let me know if you there is no money there?” Of COURSE there is money there. I think this Afriyie Rose character is screwing with your head, Mark. If there were supposed to be eight digits, then why did the Moneygram office give me only seven? Answer that question, Mark. I think this is a trick where you are trying to keep my money! Listen, man, I went down to Pancho's Burritos and Discount Moneygrams MYSELF and paid them almost $4,000! Are you telling me that your company didn't get it? Mark, I think maybe that piece of shit Iyamu or that walrus gonad-sniffer Wilson may have sneaked down there before Rose and high-tailed it away with the money.
I did research all day long and discovered that the cheapest place to buy Moneygram was at Pancho's Burritos and Discount Moneygrams over on 16th and Main Streets, here in Benton. I just called them and they said that you were probably lying to me and that they PROMISED they sent that money to you. Then they said they swore on their mother's grave that they sent it. Now, I know Spics and if they swear on their mother's grave then there is NO WAY they are lying to me. Have you looked through all the drawers in Iyamu and Wison's desks? Have you given Afriyie Rose a polygraph test? Well, I think you should take IMMEDIATE ACTION on this, Mark. Something doesn't sound right here. I know I took that money into Pancho himself and he HIMSELF sent it. With SEVEN digits, not EIGHT! And the slip was TOO signed! They didn't have room for the signature on front, so they have you sign it on the back.
Listen, Mark ... I want you to call Pancho's Burritos and Discount Moneygrams yourself (they're in the Yellow Pages) and see if I'm lying. I'M NOT LYING!!! Why would I lie about this, man? I WANT THE MONEY I WON! Do you think I would sacrifice millions of dollars in order to save four thousand? That makes about as much sense as your sentences, dude! WHAT THE FUCK??!! If you and Sunsweet Lotto are fucking with me I'll come over there and shit right down your freakin' neck-stumps, dude! DON'T THINK I WON'T! We need to get to the bottom of this, Mark! I can't imagine why those Panamanians would steal my money. They seemed so honest, just like you. In fact, I asked them if they were related to you or Iyamu or Wilson and they looked at me like I was a fucking lunatic. What if they're CRACK HEADS, Mark? What if they needed the money for CRACK? Fucking Panamanians!
Are you going to call Pancho or should I try again? This makes me SO MAD I could fuck a squid! Listen, Mark ... I think there is a perfectly good explanation for this. We just need to find out what it is. Can I still stay at your house when I come to Amsterdam? Look, if Ariyie Rose is pissed off about me asking if she puts out, then maybe she stole the money to make me look bad so you wouldn't let me stay at your house. Is she the jealous type?
Sincerely, Robert K Keller
Dear Mr Keller,
Please you can comfirm from the money gramm office your self,they will inform you that nobody have claim the money.I will advice you ask money gramm official how many digits it surpose to be,because the money gram office here in amstardam confirm it to her that the control number is
eight digits number. Please see what you can do so that i can still do the Notorization tomorrow. Waiting to hear from you
Wilson
Dear Mr. Mark,
Man, I totally owe you an apology. I'm very sorry about this. I called the Moneygram office and spoke with Pancho, himself. Pancho told me that I put the WRONG number on the form. You're right, there IS supposed to be eight digits! I accidentally put the invoice number instead of the control number.. The control number is that number on the bottom of that form, he said it's the last eight digits. So, on the one you have, the correct CONTROL number is 91357951. The other three numbers are 92533954, 92533955, and 92533956. Those last three numbers are sequential since I bought them all at the same time. Again, I'm truly sorry. I mean, here I was slamming your ass about being a brain-dead homo and dumber than a box of piss-soaked hammers and you were CORRECT all along! Man, I really feel stupid.
So tell Afriyie to try it again with the RIGHT numbers. Jeezus H. Christ, Mark ... I feel totally stupid for doing this. I certainly didn't mean it. After all, I want you to send me the money just as much as you want me to send you the money. It all evens out, dude. Even Steven! I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't tell that scumfuck Stuart Wilson and that maggot-felching child molester Isaac Iyamu about this little snafu. That is if they're still around and you haven't taken my advice and fired their sorry asses. How did you get hooked up with those two dickheads anyway? See, that's the main reason I thought your were fucking stupid, Mark, because you were hanging out with people like this! But, perhaps I'm jumping the gun here. Maybe you HAVE to work with those two rat buggerers because you need the job. Shit, man ... After all you've done for me, I'll be happy to give you a couple hundred thousand dollars out of my winnings. Shit, man it's the least I can do for somebody who's gonna let me stay in their house for a couple of months when I come to Amsterdam. And somebody that's gonna show me all the poon running around the Red Light District.
Don’t worry about me though, Mark, long as I've got plenty of Pabst Blue Ribbon and maybe some good pills, I'll be happy to just sleep on your couch.. So either send me directions how to get to your house, with your address and home phone number and I'll call you as soon as I get to Amsterdam and you can come get me, or I can take a cab to your house. Remember what I told you though, Mark: NO HOMO SHIT! You can do that on your own time and AWAY from the house while I'm there. Is there a HOMO Red Light District you could visit while I'm banging the girls? Whatever you do in your spare time is OK with me ... I just don't particularly wanna SEE it, if you know what I mean.
Do you have a video player? If so, could you rent some episodes of Green Acres and Mr. Ed so I can watch 'em while I get over the jet lag and hangover? Lemme know ya sackashit ya,
Robert K. Keller
Dear Robert Keller,
please are you sure the money is there?,because i do not want to look stupid in the presence of my colleagues anymore. Any way i have given the numbers to her again,please if you know there is no money there let me know. The Board of Directors will be meeting anymoment from now,i do not know what to tell them when they get to your file.Please do i trust you?,my position is at stake.
here are the agents in your area where did you send it from. there is no number at the back of the form you fill according to moneygramm website so please stop playing games with yourself and face reality. if you are sick go for cure and stop all the insult. i am doing my business and you better mind yours thank you and have a nice day
Mr Mark.
Dear Mark,
Look, man ... The money is THERE! I put it in Pancho's hands myself. I watched him put it in the drawer. I watched him give me the forms. He watched me as I filled the forms out. We both watched some Green Acres. Then I gave him the filled out forms and he entered them into his computer. If you look stupid in front of the board of directors, it's most likely because you hang out with those two asshole buddies Wilson and Iyamu. I heard they were SECRET HOMOS, Mark and that they liked GOLDEN SHOWERS!! Jesus, what a couple of dick-sticks!
As far as what to tell the board, hell I don't know. You DO need to tell 'em about the extracurricular activies os Wilson and Iyamu, though. Maybe if the board knew how fucked up those two assholes were they'd fire their sorry asses! Are they aware that Iyamu is a child molester? Are they aware he's a heroin smuggler? I think you should tell them.
And don't worry about getting fired, Mark. If you do, you can always come and work for ACME Industrial Cheese Straighteners, Inc. Hell, I'll give you a fucking job anytime. We need an extra person on the Veleveeta conveyer belt. You just let me know.
Listen, I've got a friend, Bubba, that I want to bring to Amsterdam so is it OK if he stays at your house too? He's cool. He drinks Pabst and wants to go to the Red Light District, too. He's allergic to cats though, so if you have any you need to get rid of them for a couple of months. You might want to dig up an extra bed, too. He's got a bad back. Let me know what those board member assholes say about getting me my check.
Sincerely, Robert K. Keller
Dear honourable winner,
Did you ask at the place yousent moneygramm?
Mr. Mark
Dear Mark,
Hey man, don't get your panties all in a wad, dude! I didn't use any of the places in Benton because I got kicked out of Walmart for going shopping while I was drunk too many times. And Bentonville is way the hell up in another part of the state. I ain't gonna drive to fucking Bentonville! What are you, an idiot? So I went to Hot Springs, where they have, as I've told you a THOUSAND TIMES, Pancho's Burritos and Discount Moneygrams. THAT'S where I've sent the moneygrams from! How many times do I have to tell you this shit? Get your dick out of your ears, Mark!
How'd the meeting with the board go? WHEN AM I GOING TO GET MY CHECK??? Please send it overnight, air-express! Listen, man, I really need the money. Send it NOW!
Listen, Mark ... Bubba wants to bring his girlfriend, Wanda, with us. Is that OK? Wanda's kind of weird about shit like germs and guy's underwear, but as long as you keep your house picked up and have a couple bottles of Lysol hanging around she can hang. But they're gonna need a little privacy, so when I go to the Red Light District, you need to head over to the HOMO Red Light District at the same time so they can have some together time. Couple hours a night is all they need. They don't hardly get any time together here since Bubba's wife is a total pscyho bitch. Did you get rid of the cats (that is if you have any)? And did you get an extra bed? How big is YOUR bed, because Bubba and Wanda will probably want to sleep in that. You can sleep on the couch. We'll be flying on Northwest/KLM. I'll let you know when to come pick us up.
Sincerely, Robert Keller
Dear Mark,
What did the board members say about getting me my cheque? I want that thing mailed to me THIS WEEK, overnight AIR EXPRESS, or you can just deposit it directly into my bank account. You have the numbers I sent over a month ago! This thing has been getting ridiculous, Mark. I should have had my winnings by now. Why haven't I gotten at least a partial payment? I won the damn lottery and I want to know what the hold up is and why I haven't received my winnings yet! Is Stuart Wilson or Isaac Iyamu holding things up? I wouldn't be surprised if they were fucking me over on this deal, Mark. Please have Mr. Gaar email me if you can't tell me what is going on! I'm starting to get tired of all this Mickey Mouse bullshit! I'd hate to have to get my attorneys involved in this, but if I don't hear some positive information about when I'm going to get my money, then I'll have no recourse other than to begin litigation against Sunsweet Lotto. This isn't anything personal against you, Mark. I appreciate all the work you've done on my behalf and even though you act like a retarded homo dipshit half the time, I am willing to give you a substantial portion of my winnings to help you out in case you get fired. Are those Wilson and Iyamu pricks still around? I'll probably kick their asses if I ever see 'em.
When will my check arrive, peckerhead?
Keller
Dear Mr Keller,
you know fully well that you did not send any money through money gramm,why did you send fake control number?.Please i am sick and tired of you,i taught you can be trusted,thank God you did not succeed to put me in trouble.
Mr Mark.
Dear Mark,
I honestly don't know what to say. I feel so bad about this thing, but IT'S NOT MY FAULT! I want you to read the following article taken out of the local newspaper, the Benton Courier, and if you don't believe it, then just look up their website and you can read the whole story on there. Basically, I'VE BEEN ROBBED by the Panamanians, Mark. Those Moneygram numbers were fake because they weren't real. I was DUPED! God, I feel so stupid. Anyway, here's the story that was in Sunday's newspaper:
BENTON - October 19 - In a pre-dawn raid today in Hot Springs police arrested local businessman, Pancho Sanchez, owner of Pancho's Burritos and Discount Moneygrams, along with 16 employees of the company. Sanchez, a native of Panama, was charged with interstate fraud and theft of property for allegedly selling forged money orders. After a number of complaints against the company by local residents, police investigators uncovered a three-state money laundering scheme alleged to have involved 28 illegal immigrants, including Sanchez. According to police chief Luther Buttrow, Sanchez and his cohorts charged 120 people over $56,400 by selling them faked Moneygrams. "This is the largest moneygram forgery case we've ever had in Central Arkansas," said Buttrow. Sanchez, his brother Guillermo, and 15 other employees of the company, are being held in the Benton County jail without bond. Authorities were unable to determine if or when the victims of the scheme would be reimbursed. In addition to computers used to forge the moneygrams, police also seized 22 kilos of cocaine, 2 kilos of heroin, 18 handguns and a sawed off shotgun. In addition to the fraud charges, the arrested face additional gun and drug charges.
So you see, Mark, I was ripped off! I just lost almost $5,000 to this fucking asshole Panamanian shithead! I'm so fucking pissed off I could KILL somebody! Now it's going to take me at least a month to gather up enough money to send you the 3,650 Euros to get my winnings. SHIT! Can you PLEASE talk to Mr. Gaar and tell him what happened and that I'll get the money as soon as I can? Mark, I'm sorry I almost got you in trouble, I really am. I just wish it could have been those two butt-buddies, Iyamu and Wilson on the end of the shithook and not you. Can you forgive me?
Is it still OK if me and Bubba and Wanda stay at your house when we come to Amsterdam? Do you have a fold-away couch? Please let me know what Mr. Gaar says AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!!!!! I've spent so much time running around and getting the money together and emailing you that this new development has made me SERIOUSLY DEPRESSED. I almost feel like just killing myself and ending it all. I really need this money, Mark. PLEASE TALK TO MR. GAAR! I'll get the money to you somehow, I promise, y'assle! FUCKING PANAMANIANS!
Sincerely, Robert K. Keller
Mark,
GOOD NEWS, man! Hey, my attorney just told me that they've seized Pancho's Burritos and Discount Moneygrams' bank account and that I will be able to get my money back TOMORROW! What can we do to make this thing right? Will your company take a Western Union money order? If so, I will run down right after I shut down the factory (we've had a HUGE order for straightened cheese from West Virginia, thank God!) and send you the money Western Union. Is this OK? Mark, I SWEAR ON MY MOTHER'S GRAVE that I'm telling the truth. Why would I lie and miss out on all my lottery winnings? That makes about as much sense as the emails from Stuart Dickhead Wilson did. So, let me know what Mr. Gaar says and if I can get an extension, I'll get the money in the form of a check from my lawyer and I'll send it to you via Western Union if this is OK. I've just had a bit of bad luck in this Mark, but I feel that my luck is about to change.
Listen, Wanda says she doesn't like Lysol and wants you to get Pine-Sol to clean your house with before we get there. Make sure the toilet is SPOTLESS or she'll fucking FREAK OUT! I ain't shittin' you, man. When that bitch gets in a mood everybody better RUN!
Tell me what Mr. Gaar says about sending the money Western Union, peckerhead.
Sincerely, Robert Keller
Dear Mr. Gaar,
I have been dealing with two of your employees, Stuart Wilson and Mark Owen.. Neither of these idiots seem to know what is going on with my lottery winnings. Please let me know how I may get the payment to you so that I can claim my money. I would highly suggest firing these two morons QUICKLY so that your company's reputation doesn’t suffer any more damage than it already has. My bank suggested that I can send you a bank transfer since your people don't seem to know how to deal with Moneygram. I await your reply.
Sincerely, Robert K. Keller
DEAR MR ROBERT KELLER,
I GOT YOUR MAIL,PLEASE WE ARE HERE TO PAY YOU YOUR PRIZE YOU WON. YOU CAN SEND THE NOTORIZATION FEE THROUGH WESTERN MONEY UNION TRANSFER.
THE MONEY CAN BE SEND THROUGH AFRIYIE ROSE,PAYABLE IN AMSTERDAM,DO THAT AND SEND THE PAYMENT SLIP TO ME.
MR MARK.
Dear Mark,
I just got back from the Western Union office and the brain-dead morons told me I had to have a physical address to send a package and that I should go down to Federal Express instead. I practically had to knock the living piss outta this dickweed to get him to understand that I didn't want to send a package, I wanted to send money. He asked me what the big cardboard box was that I put on his counter and I told him that it was the fucking Bleeding Head of Arnold Palmer and what did he care. I had to show him that it was really just a half a case of Spam so he wouldn't call the pigs on me. Anyway, Mark, it fucking cost me an arm and an asshole to send this money. I think I was ripped off. It's like I was sending it to the United Arab Emirates or some damn place like that. Here is the receipt: signed, sealed and delivered! I hope the Euro doesn't depreciate before you get this. But if Stuart "Worm Dick" Wilson was the recipient, you can bet I'd be wishing it'd fall to a record fucking LOW! Look how much this shit cost me, Mark! OK, here's the first payment. Let me know when you get it so I can send the remainder. That way Afriyie Bitch-breath can take 'em all downtown at the same time.
OK, dude, the receipt is attached to this email. Have the Afriyie slut go down right away and cash this motherfucker in as soon as you get the other three payments. Can you PLEASE just go ahead and send me my cheque? Rhonda, the MEGABITCH, is suing my ass off and I've got, like, $1,243.84 per month child support and I KNOW for a fact that half them kids ain't even mine! At least she's gone. GOOD RIDDANCE, I say! Fuck her up the nose with rifle-cleaning equipment.
Anyway, Mark listen, about us staying at your house. How come you haven't mentioned or even acknowledged that I've asked you about it? Listen, man, you gotta come through on this one because I've sorta been lying to Bubba and Wanda, you know telling them I've got this cool ass friend over in Amsterdam that's gonna put all of us up for a month or so. But you ain't said SHIT, man! Why not? Don't you want us staying with you? Don't you want some company besides the mongoloid and the child rapist? Listen, Mark ... I'll buy the Pine-sol, so you won't be out the money for that, OK? Can you still pick us all up at the airport? I'll let you know when the flight comes in. Don't worry, I haven't told Bubba and Wanda that you're a fag. Also, you still owe me $120 for exchanging my plane ticket, so pay up!
SEND ME MY CHEQUE, ya prick!
Sincerely, Robert K. Keller
Dear Keller,
are you saying the truth? you want me to believe you?, after all the insult and lies.
wilson.
Dear Mr. Mark,
Man, that was a SHORT email! Probably the shortest email I've ever gotten from you and that's saying something. Listen, man, I've NEVER insulted you and if I have I apologize. When did I ever insult you, ya dumb shit? It's almost as if you're saying that YOU are Iyamu and/or Wilson! Now THOSE two I HAVE insulted, but they deserved it. Wilson for being about the dumbest asshole this side of fucking Uranus, and Iyamu for selling heroin and having sex with children, which I think deserves the DEATH PENALTY! And I'm sorta pissed at you for calling me a liar, too, Mark. If you were to call somebody here in Benton a liar they'd most likely ram your teeth straight down your fucking throat. So don't call me a liar, OK? I've NEVER lied to you or to Sunsweet Lotto. I'm on the level just like you nimwads are. I mean, you've never lied to ME, right? So why should I lie to you? What purpose would that serve? What would make somebody spend this much time if they weren't serious? Why would I jeopardize my millions of dollars I won in the Lotto?
Did you get my Western Union attachment? Man, I cannot believe I was fooled by that rip-off Bastard Pancho. You can tell this one is the real thing. It doesn't look fake like that last one. Mark, I lost FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS because of that bastard and it took me 24 hours to recoup! And half of THAT is going to my sleazy weasle attorney! Wotta prick! Kinda reminds me of you sometimes.
Let me know if you got it and I'll send the other three. Do you just want the numbers or do you want me to scan each of the receipts and attach them? I think just looking at the first one would be good enough if you're not totally brain dead like Stuart "turd-sniffer" Wilson. How is that Wilson son of a bitch doing anyway? Probably out back huffing shoe sole glue with that perverted fuck Iyamu.
Mark, you seem to be TOTALLY avoiding the question of me, Bubba and Wanda staying at your house when we come to Amsterdam. WHY??? Remember how you didn't waant to look stupid in front of the Board of Directors? Remember how you told me that? Well, I don't want to look stupid in front of my friends either! I told them that you were my friend and that we'd have a bitchin' place to crash when we're in town. I didn't tell them you were a fruitcake, Mark, believe me. I think a person has a right to their private lives, even if it is sick and perverted. So, are you or are you not going to pick us up at the airport?
And WHEN IS MY FUCKING CHEQUE COMING! I've got bills to pay, dude. You're starting to PISS ME OFF, Mark. Tell that water buffalo felching Gaar to cut me a damn cheque and send it off TODAY! You got my address right? It's on that Western Union receipt. NOW SEND ME MY MONEY, dickweed!
By the way, how close is the Homo Red Light District to the Regular Red Light District? I don't have to walk through the homo one or anything do I? Can I walk to the Red Light District from your house, cuz I'm probably gonna be WAY too drunk to drive while I'm there?
Sincerely, Robert K. Keller
Dear honourable winner,
you did not send any money through western union,i check their website,I was inform that the information was wrong,why are you lieing?.
mark
Dear Mark,
I am NOT "lieing." That isn't even a real word ya retard. How could I be "lieing" when there's no such thing, except like to be "lieing" on the couch watching Green Acres or Mr. Ed or something? I think the word you're looking for is "lying." Shit man, how the hell did you ever get a job with an international company if you can't spell? Mark, I'm not disparaging your character or anything, but you can't spell for shit! You need to take some lessons or buy a book or something. No offense.
Listen, the reason I sent you that Western Union receipt is because I was hurt by the way you've been treating me, Mark. I've been hurt really, really bad. I know it was probably not right for me to do that. I was being a bit immature, I know. But I decided to pay you back a little bit for not being completely honest with me. Turn about is fair play, Mark-o. It IS a real Western Union receipt but at the same time it's not. It's a paradox, Mark ..... Sort of a rift in the fabric of time and space. And do you know why I'm springing this Einsteinian versus Euclidian paradigm on you, pal? Do you know why? BECAUSE YOU LIED TO ME!!!! You said your website was under construction, but I did a search and found out there's NEVER been a fucking Sunsite Lotto website. WHY DID YOU LIE TO ME, MARK????? What are you trying to hide? You need to come out from the homo closet and FACE THE MUSIC, my man!
So, tell me ... Why is there no Sunsweet Lotto web page? If I really did win a lottery then of course I will send the money to get my winnings. But you need to prove to me that there is such a company as Sunsweet Lotto! How are you going to do this, Mark? I've put up with just about enough from you, Iyamu, Rose and that piece of rotting, stinking, corn-encrusted fecal matter named Stuart Wilson. It's time to get to the TRUTH about this business. I WANT MY FUCKING MONEY, you dipshit! EXPLAIN SOME THINGS TO ME, DAWG!!!!! I demand proof!
By the way, what color is your house? I mean the inside of it? Bubba has a little problem with epilepsy and the color orange can really set him off. So if you have any orange rooms, you're going to need to paint them before we get there. And Wanda asked me to ask you what kind of shape your shower curtain is in. Like I said before, germs TOTALLY freak her the fuck out. She said if it's funky and shit to please get a new one. One with little fishies on it, if you can find one. You can probably find one at Walmart. How close is the nearest Taco Bell to your house?
ANSWER MY QUESTIONS ABOUT SUNSWEET'S WEB PAGE! Or you will never hear from me again and you will never get any payment from me and I will know that you are a fucking fraud ass motherfucker. I'm really getting ANGRY with you, Mark. I want to talk to Mr. Gaar!
Sincerely, Robert K. Keller
Dear Mr. Gaar,
Listen, I'm getting tired of dealing with drug addicts, child molesters, homos, dimwits, dumbos and morons. PLEASE just send me my lottery check! I WANT MY MONEY!!! I WON THE LOTTERY!!!! WHY CAN'T YOU JUST SEND IT TO ME?????? I'll pay you the 3,650 Euros as soon as I get the fucking money. Can't anybody there understand ANYTHING? I'm about to come over there and start kicking some ass. I can't get that idiot Mark Owen to tell me anything. You should fire his sorry ass along with Wilson and Iyamu (who, by the way, is a child molester and drug smuggler!!!).
Sincerely, Robert K Keller
Dear Stuart,
Hey man, how ya doing? Listen, I'm getting sick and tired of dealing with that Mark Owen asshole. That guy is totally WORTHLESS! I'd rather deal with you again. Owen doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground. What do I need to do to get my fucking money? I want to either deal with YOU or MR. GAAR. NOBODY ELSE! Or I will never send any money to Sunsweet Lotto. And where the hell is your web site?
Sincerely, Robert K. Keller
DEAR MR KELLER,
YOU CANNOT CONTINUE TO BE FOOLING EVERYBODY IN THIS ORGANIZATION.WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?.ALL OTHER WINNERS HAVE CLAIMED THEIR PRIZES,YOU REFUSE TO NOTORIZE YOUR WON,NOW YOU ARE ASKING ME TO HELP.
PLEASE IF YOU KNOW WHAT IS GOOD FOR YOU,KINDLY BEHAVE YOURSELF.YOU SENT FAKE MONEY GRAMME RECEIPT,AFTER THAT YOU SENT ANOTHER FAKE WESTERN MONEY UNION RECEIPT,LOOK YOU ARE ONLY FOOLING YOURSELF.
YOU NEED TO CHANGE IF YOU WISH TO CLAIM YOUR WON.
WILSON
Dear Stuart,
I read your last email and contemplated it long and hard. And you're right. I do need to change. And I WILL change! I've made me a vow to the moon and stars that I'll search the honkey tonks and bars and find a new direction in my life. BEGINNING IN THE RED LIGHT DISTRICT as soon as you send me the money I won! Jeez, what is WRONG with you people? Why can't you answer a simple question about your alleged website? I want to know about that website before I send any money. I also want to speak with some of these "other winners" you mentioned. Just give me the email of ONE of them, so I can see whether or not this whole thing is a shameless SHAM! I DARE YOU, Stuart. Or is there some kind of privacy laws in the Netherlands where you're not allowed to send me their emails? I want ANSWERS, ya sorry sackashit.
Sincerely, Robert K. Keller
DEAR ROBERT KELLER,
WHAT DID YOU WANT TO DO WITH OUR WEBSITE?,IS THAT THE PRIZE YOU WON?.
HOW CAN I GIVE YOU THE EMAILS OF OTHER WINNERS?,CAN YOU DO IT?,I CANNOT DO THAT BECAUSE IT IS NOT THE POLICY OF OUR ORGANIZATION.
IF YOU WISH TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE AS OTHERS HAVE DONE NOTORIZE YOUR PRIZE.
MR WILSON.
Dear Stuart,
I don't want to do ANYTHING with your damn website. All I want to do is know why a world-wide lottery company doesn't have a website. Hell the smallest companies in the world have websites. Even companies that manufacture Velveeta and cheese straightening blades have websites. No, that isn't the prize I won. You should know that. Jeez, Stuart, maybe I made a mistake thinking you were less retarded than Owen. Maybe everybody at that whole company is brain dead.
And regarding the emails of previous winners. Listen, whenever anybody wins a sweepstakes in the United States, they ALWAYS show the winners. It's GOOD ADVERTISING, Stuart. Shit, man ... You should let me come over and run your fucking advertising. You should have winners on your website saying how glad they are to have won. I just want to talk to ONE WINNER, to see how long it took to get the money and to see if they had to pay 3,650 Euros, like you're asking me to. Does everybody have to pay 3,650 Euros?
And Stuart, it doesn't look like me, Bubba and Wanda are gonna be able to stay at Mark's house. He's never answered that question. So, can we stay with you when we come to Amsterdam?
I have the money ready to send you, I just need a little cooperation!
Sincerely, Robert K. Keller
DEAR ROBERT KELLER,
PLEASE LIKE I SAID BEFORE THINK OF HOW TO GET YOUR PRIZE,IT IS NOT WISE FOR YOU TO START ASKING QUESTION UPON QUESTIONS.
I WROTE TO YOU BEFORE REGARDING THE NOTORIZATION,IF YOU SEND HALF OF THE NOTORIZATION FEE HALF OF THE MONEY WILL BE SENT TO YOU,IF YOU SEND THE FULL NOTORIZATION FEE THE FULL PRIZE WILL BE SENT TO YOU.
IF YOU WISH TO SEND THE MONEY SEND ALL THROUGH WESTERN UNION.
IT SHOULD BE NOTED THAT,YOU ARE TO NOTORIZE YOUR PRIZE BEFORE THIS WEEK FRIDAY,IF NOT YOUR WON WILL BE DISQUALIFY.
THIS IS WHAT I HAVE TO SAY FOR NOW,PLEASE ALWAYS WATCH YOUR SPEECH
HAVE A NICE DAY.
MARK
Dear Mark,
Why are you using Stuart's email, man?
And what the hell happened to Stuart? I thought I was dealing with him again. Mark, the only way one can ascertain the mysteries of life is to ask questions. And now you're telling me to STOP asking questions? Where would I be in life if I hadn't asked about that first piece of crooked cheese I saw when I was eleven years old? I recall that day like it was two hours ago. It was a balmy September evening and my Aunt Frisbie was serving cheese plugs to her Mud Wrassling club. Half the plugs weren't straight and she was so embarrassed that she committed suicide just as the guests began to arrive. She drank a can of fucking DRANO, Mark! Then she gutshot herself with a 12-gauge Ithaca pump! Can you imagine what that was like for a little boy to see? This inspired me to make certain nobody's aunt would ever suffer that trauma again as along as I lived! Thus, the idea for ACME Industrial Cheese Straighteners, Inc. was born that very night.
Speaking of which, our cash flow has been hammered by the economy, so I want to ask you a TREMENDOUS FAVOR, Mark. Can I PLEASE send only a THIRD of the notarization fee and get a third of the money? And I can't send it till next Wednesday since I have to do four days of community service for chain-sawing burnt plywood while intoxicated, which is severely against the law here in Benton. So I won't even be able to get to the bank until Wednesday. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE ask Mr. Gaar and that ass-biter, Stuart Wilson, if I can have ONE more extension. Please? If so, I'll send you the money Western Union, ya sorry smegma-breath roach snarfer.
Hey, I asked Stuart if me and Wanda and Bubba could stay at his house so you wouldn't have to repaint yours and buy a bunch of Pine-Sol and shit and he acted like it would be an inconvenience. So we're gonna need to stay at your house after all. Is that cool, ya fag? Can you still pick us up at the airport? Did you see that episode of Green Acres where Mr. Haney tries to sell Oliver his 11-year-old nephew for medical experiments? That one's my favorite!
Mark, I really need this extension until Wednesday, when I will send you a third of the notarization fee. Please discuss this with Mr. Gaar and let me know if it's OK. I REALLY WANT MY DAMN MONEY. Don't make me come over there and start bashing your fucking head against a bridge abuttment or something.
Do I still send the money to Afriyie Rose? Can you please tell me what a third of 3,650 Euros would be in dollars? THANKS, Y'ASSLE!
Sincerely, Robert K. Keller
KELLER
WE CANNOT RECEIVE LESS THAN HALF OF THE NOTORIZATION FEE.
STUART
Dear Stuart,
Listen, man ... All I can raise is 40-percent of the notarization fee, which would be 1,460 Euros. PLEASE let me send 40 percent and then you'd only have to send me, say, 35-percent of my winnings and keep the other 90-percent in escrow until I come up with the remainder. Stuart, I've been having a really tough time with the morality of dealing with child rapists, heroin smugglers, idiots and retards, homos and perverts, all of which seem to be quite abundant in your offices. What a fucking CIRCUS you must work in, Stuart! Hell, you'd HAVE to be brain damaged to wanna work in a place like that. Are you sure you don't want to come over here and work at ACME? I'd start you out at $4.25 an hour!
Hey Stuart, how about if I stay at your house and Wanda and Bubba stay with Mark when we come to Amsterdam? Would that be OK? If the Homo Red Light District is on the way to the Normal Red Light District, I could drop you off on the way; I'd pay for the cab and everything. Tell Mark to clean his apartment REAL GOOD so Wanda doesn't flip out on him. Have you been watching Mr. Ed or Green Acres? Man, that brother and sister carpenter team on Green Acres cracks me up! Do you like Dennis the Menace? Could you send me a postcard?
So, Stuart ... Please tell me what Mr. Gaar and Mr. Owen say about letting me send 1,460 Euros, which is all I can afford right now. PLEASE?
Sincerely, Robert K. Keller
Dear Mark,
Listen you idiot! I want the money I won! That moron Stuart isn't emailing me any more. How do I get my fucking money you homo? Send my cheque NOW before I get REALLY pissed off and come over there and put a boot in your ass!
Keller
Dear Stuart,
What's going on with my fucking money you stupid fucking HOMO! I never heard anything from Mark Owen or that child-molestor Isaac Iyamu. Listen, man ... I'm going to come over to Amsterdam and kick ALL your motherfucking asses if you don't fucking send me the cheque for the money I won. And can me and Bubba and Wanda still stay at your house, you fucking turd-eating SHIT HEAD?
Sincerely, Robert K. Keller
Dear Stuart/Iyamu/Owen/Gaar/Fuckwad/Piece of Shit/Asshole,
Just wanted to let you know how fucking ENTERTAINING it was scamming YOUR sorry ass. Yup, it's my job to turn the tables on you rip-off artists and have a BLAST doing it! You will soon have your VERY OWN web page and I'll send you the URL as soon as it's up and running.
Don't forget to EAT SHIT AND DIE ya MORON!
Sincerely, Robert K. Keller